Remember Yourself!

Before you had your partner, who did you have? Before you found your "other half," who was the "first half"? Before you cared for your lover, who did you care for?

YOURSELF!

Although you may enter a relationship with someone, you must not forget the relationship with yourself. Your happiness, your ability to enjoy life, your willingness to give, to love, to care for HAS to include yourself. Significant others are a wonderful asset to life. They could even make you feel as if everything in your existence has greatened or given you a sense of completion. However, the only person who can really know what makes you happy and keeps you sane is yourself.

When there are issues between the two of you, or you have a particular issue with your partner - remember to consider what will make them happy AS WELL AS what will make you happy. The best love feels like selfless love, yes...but when selflessness costs you your happiness, remind yourself that you deserve to have reasons to smile, be joyful and positive. Sometimes people get caught up in their love for their other half that they forget that they also count. When I speak of happiness, I do not speak of temporary happiness nor moment to moment happiness. I speak of 95% of the time happiness. It is improbable to be happy all of the time, but you should be the majority of the time - at least with yourself.

If you are currently upset with your partner and you have something you need to get across to them, don't put it under the rug. You are upset. You may be hurting. You need to make sure you are heard. The only way for your partner to change, or decide they cannot change (and may need to leave the relationship) is to talk about it. Staying happy means you need to maintain happiness - both with your partner AND IN YOURSELF!! There is no need to go charging at him or her and demand a change, but it is certainly fair for you to express yourself.

If you feel you are not able to live to your full potential because of your significant other, you should re-evaluate your goals and your relationship. Weigh out what makes you happiest. The relationship with yourself is just as important as the one you wish to hold with someone you also consider to be important. Stay true to who you are also goes with being in a relationship. When you close your eyes all you have is you, yourself and you - so if you aren't living the life that would make you happiest if your significant other weren't "holding you back" then you need to figure out how to do that (whether that means staying with your partner or not).

Compromise is a great way to work through issues of unhappiness. Once your partner knows what the problem is, then he or she has the opportunity to work through it with you. State what it is that you're feeling, why it is you've been feeling this way, and a suggestion as to how to make things better. Even if he or she doesn't agree, they are at least aware of what kind of suggestion you are making and what you boundaries are on changing/compromising.

Space is a great way to maintain happiness. You can love to be with your significant other, but there are going to be days where your agenda only fits you. It is also really healthy to love yourself on your own. Taking space doesn't mean having to remain in solitude. Catching up with friends, visiting family, etc. also fit in with that. If you live with your significant other, it is still possible to take space throughout the day - or even staying at a friends house (if children aren't involved - and if they are, you'll have to work out a schedule). But nurturing yourself is just as important as nurturing your partner (as is nurturing your children).

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So state when you're unhappy, provide potential compromises, take healthy self-time and remember that as much as your other deserves to be happy - you deserve it too!

New Sparks? New Commitments?

After meeting someone new, who you've hit it off with exceptionally well, how long should it be before you become exclusive and titled? The answer to this really varies.

If you are someone who is completely single, as in has no emotional connectivity to a past lover, is stable in the heart and knows what they want then committing could happen anywhere from a few dates later to a few months/years later (depending on your dating style). I recommend being in this mind/heart state before choosing to commit because although you could be pretty positive that entering a committed relationship is in your best interest, you also have to consider the interest of your partner. It is unfair to them to be dating someone who isn't completely interested in only pursuing them if thats what he or she wants. However, once in a mind/heart state such as this, so long as the feelings are mutual - HAPPY DATING!

If you are someone who has recently gotten out of a relationship, still feel a little bruised and happened to find someone really awesome in your eyes my advice would be to take your time. Rushing a good thing never ends up beneficial. Besides, if what is going on between you and the new spark/person is going to last, it will last whether you have a title/exclusivity or not. Make sure that you feel you have closure with your past lover(s)/whomever you may not be completely settled with. It is very important to not have multiple doors open at the same time (unless you are into polyamory and so is the person you're talking to/seeing). The time frame for this could vary from several weeks to several months/years. This type of circumstance really varies from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. Basically, treat others as you want to be treated. Would you want someone dating you when they were still hooked on someone else? Probably not...and it probably wouldn't feel good either.

If you are someone who feels they have a HUGE wall up and are afraid to let someone in, ask yourself a few questions. How long have you been seeing this person? Has he or she done anything that would make you doubt a relationship with them? Do you feel extremely connected (emotionally, physically and mentally)? Do you feel you have good communication? Is trust felt and established? If you feel you haven't been given a reason to not pursue forward but are still afraid, you'll have to really think about the reasons why you are afraid. If you are going to have a successful relationship with this new person you will most certainly have to be open and communicative with the issues that are making you question your next move. Even if it's personal and you feel the other person doesn't need to know - they do need to know. You want to feel like you can trust them and you want to be respected - but if the person you're seeing doesn't know what you need in order to trust and in order to feel respected you can't be upset with them for not being able to read your mind. Also refer to my blog on how to break down your walls: http://talksexnow.blogspot.com/2010/01/breaking-down-walls.html

If you are someone who has been out of a relationship for a while but still feels damaged or jaded from it (but not emotionally connected to the past relationship/person), sometimes a new relationship/spark can do just the trick! Granted, you have to remember that the person who is your new spark isn't a trick, nor a toy to be messed with: he or she is human too, with feelings. However, if you are honest about what you're looking for and how committed you can or can't be - you should be fine. People who are damaged and/or jaded come by the dozen - it's almost impossible to not be affected in a personal/mental way from relationships. You do not want to be another tangle in their web, though, and so you need to make sure to be straightforward with your intentions (and ask the questions necessary to make sure they are also being straightforward with their intentions). If you two share a great connection, can be effectively communicative (in a way that allows you to feel trust and share openly) you are headed in a positive direction. I would advise waiting at least 2 weeks to a month before putting a title on this, though. You could choose to be sexually exclusive, but if you're still working on no longer being damaged/jaded - you should most certainly take your time.

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It is difficult to analyze what a new spark is and how to go about handling it. It is so easy to get carried away and not think clearly as to how you should proceed. First and foremost take into consideration the state you are currently in. It does, indeed, take two to tango and your head & heart need to be fully in the game (titles) before playing it. Obviously it is hoped that the other person has done the same - but it never hurts to ask questions if you are curious about where they stand.

Always remember that if something is good, it should be good with or without a title. Therefore rushing to title something isn't necessary, so take your time. Falling in love, most certainly, can happen in a matter of moments...and there isn't a title that goes over that feeling :) - so relax and enjoy yourself in whatever it is you have right now. Be open and communicative at all times, especially if you start to feel weary, upset, or confused about something.

The beginning of things can always seem like a joy ride - an extreme experience of euphoria. Be aware that feelings are involved, as you should know what yours are and what theirs are. It is not impossible to date someone after less than a week of knowing them, and if you are 110% certain that move would be best for you (and for them) then good luck!! Otherwise, waiting to make sure that the first week isn't simply a fantasy never hurt.

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Stay true to yourself, establish open communication, trust your instincts.

Hello, Mind Readers!

Hey there! Guess what? There aren't any of you! And if there are, there aren't enough of you for everyone else to date...

I bring this up because many of us, when caught up in love or lust or interest in another person, we somehow forget to remember that they can't read our minds (new relationships to long-term relationships). Oh, or what we meant by the tone of our voice or how we spoke period...or didn't speak on purpose. Then sometimes we get hurt or confused over what's going on. Well, you're in luck, I've found the solution!!

COMMUNICATION!!!

Let's say you're in a fight with the person you're seeing. You may be mad, or sad, or done with him/her, or sorry or indifferent. But if you don't state what you're feeling then s/he will never know. Your partner most likely doesn't know how to gauge what to do with what's not said, especially if you want something specific.

Say you want something in particular: birthday present, groceries, the laundry done, the child bathed, a meal cooked, etc. it's really not that difficult to say, "Honey, could you please...." Brain waves and internal thoughts can't travel person to person. However, this tactic of communicating doesn't guarantee your partner's answer to be "yes" all the time. Nor does it mean that s/he will forgive you, or also be angry, sad, upset, done or indifferent. Perhaps they're not an effective communicator.

It does guarantee, though, that your skills as a communicator will be empowered and more effective each time you use them. It would be great if/for your partner learned the skills also. By being as clear as you can be with your partner, you can resolve issues much faster and with greater ease. It isn't fair to expect them to be able to read your mind. Can you read theirs?

Additionally, you're doing yourself an injustice. Why would you want to stay in a state of unhappiness? The beginning steps to working through things/working toward happiness is by talking about issues, concerns, wants, desires, outlooks and so forth. Dont' be afraid to speak! Certainly shouting/yelling/raised voices nor reluctantly agreeing to everything is not the communication I speak of, but rather open, honest (equal share of talking and listening) and truthful communication is what you're aiming for.

If your partner pushes you to talk, when you need more time before you're ready, it's definitely okay to say: "I know you're ready to talk now but I need a little more time. Can we try later (or whenever the earliest time you can is)?" That way you're not brushing your partner off, you're letting them now you care but need a little longer before you are able to talk. If you're ready before your partner and they seem unable to open up, ask if they need time. Once you know how to be an effective communicator remember that your partner may not be and you should consider that when choosing what to say/how to react.

COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!

Take your time, don't speak when upset, but don't be afraid to speak about how you feel. Most people who want a relationship to work are open to discussing issues to work toward a happy future. There aren't enough mind reader's for everyone, so here's another way to still be content :)

Happy Loving!

Don't Run from Distance!

What do you know - long distance relationships can work!

Don't doubt yourself too quickly if you find yourself dealing with a potential, or actual, long distance relationship situation - you could be strong enough. A lot of what breaks long distance relationships apart is the inability to trust from one side and then the inability to deal with insecurities on the other side. But if you two communicate with each other there is hope!

The formula to a successful long distance relationship is = mutual [open] communication + agreed upon circumstances, boundaries, and expectations + trust.

This can certainly be a challenge and thought of negatively before explored properly. It is difficult to have a relationship where you barely see your partner and your primary way of expressing feelings for one another is through written or verbal communication, but distance can make the heart grow fonder. This type of relationship isn't for everyone; some people need constant physical love and affection. However, for the right individual: one who knows how to communicate, trust and remain faithful to their promises/agreements this could be a healthy, happy, loving situation.

A relationship, long distance or not, is going to be hard work. Each person much be honest with each other, instill trust within one another, and trust themselves to stick to their word. Regardless of distance, without each of you being on mutual grounds there will always be a potential chance for failure. So just work at it. Just communicate. It is difficult, but not impossible.

If you are in one currently and want out all you have to do is say so. Or if you are in one and you want physical company while your partner is away, express that. You cannot be unhappy and you must be fair to him or her. I shouldn't have to say this, but be respectful and compassionate when breaking the news. It's never a good time for bad news, yes, but it is very important that the let down be easy and empathetic. More importantly, if your agreement with your partner is one of monogamy but you want polygamy and he or she doesn't agree - cheating is not the answer. Again, I'd like to highlight communication: if you want what they don't want - you either come to an agreement or respect the other enough to walk away.

If you love him or her, though, than anything can work out. Unless you know for a fact that the distance is going to be too much, don't run away from it. You could be missing out on something that's not worth missing out on. Be positive and stay open, that's what the relationship game is all about! It's not as if you won't see that person ever, you'll just simply have to be more strategic about when you do.

Know yourself, don't give more than what you can, and be honest about how you feel.

Friendship by day, Sex partner by night

Friends with benefits. Yes, they do exist! And yes, they can be healthy if approached right.

As humans we all feed off of human touch, contact and conversation. Therefore it is natural to have friends with whom we can engage in amazing conversation with but also have that sexual release with (without strings, jealousy or extra complications). This release doesn't always have to be sex, but it can be flirtation, physical touching/caressing, a cuddle buddy, etc. Benefits has a lot of meanings, so be sure to discuss with your partner what it is you want out of that relationship. Not everyone has a friend with whom they can have benefits with, for it is not necessary; but it is normal for the general population.

Approaching this type of situation with caution would be my advice to anyone and everyone who potentially wants to get involved in a relationship of this nature. For just as we all have needs for conversation and sexual pleasure, we do have emotions too. Emotions can get tied into it if one party gets attached. This doesn't happen all the time, but if it does a friendship will typically be ruined and a heart may be broken. They seem much simpler than they actually are.

When getting into these situations one should:

- discuss fully with the other person their intent before initiating anything!!!

- discuss boundaries, limits and restrictions

- keep each other well informed of where their emotions are (for although one may think they can keep their emotions under control they may be thinking that they are getting passed signals by their "friends with benefits partner" that mean more than what they actually do)

If you follow the guidelines above I feel you'll have a better turn out if you choose to engage in such activity. KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS IN CHECK!

A check list for if you may be feeling anything too emotional:

- jealousy

- anger

- resentment

- too high of expectations/unrealistic expectations (e.g. all of their time & attention)

- confusion about the future (for there shouldn't be any future but the present as each present day happens [until it doesn't anymore])

A friendship by day and sex partner by night could be one of the greatest experiences of your life. You don't have anyone that you're committed to, no one to answer to, you can live your own life but have that release when necessary, it's at your own convenience (and theirs), ability to have more than one friend with benefits, etc. If done properly it could reduce a lot of stress in your life (if of course this is something you want at the time).

Always heed with caution: emotions are tricky suckers... but if you keep communication OPEN and FLOWING you shouldn't run into many problems

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If you are planning on ending a friends with benefits situation you DO need to take emotions into consideration. Although both of you should have kept your emotions in check it isn't about whether someone has fallen for you or not, but about who they are individually. You need, need, NEED to give thought to your friends' feelings for you don't want them to think that you're ending it based on dissatisfaction with who they are as a person...especially if you want to continue a friendship with them.

Let them know where you're coming from, why it is you don't want to be involved in that way anymore, as well as all of the positive qualities you found in them and why you wish to keep them as your friend. Saying things in a positive way can be extremely beneficial for all relationships (friendships, friends with benefits, boyfriends/girlfriends) so it should ensure your ability to maintain that friendship after the extra benefits are taken away.

If you wish not to be their friend and to lose all contact you DO NOT have to be mean about it. They are still people; still humans with real emotions and feelings. You should be kind and compassionate and let them know exactly why you cannot remain friends. Positivity begets positivity; you don't want bad karma in your life. Treat others as you wish to be treated, please and thank you.

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Enjoy every aspect of each other, with caution, kindness and humanity. Watch out for your emotions. And RESPECT each other.

Honey, I'm Home!

Before you move in with someone there are several things you should think about, several things you should discuss, and several things to consider before making the leap.

First and foremost: how long have you been with that person? Personally I don't like to write a particular number of months or years in stone with this topic, for it's different with everyone. However, I would suggest at least 6 months of dating before considering this big step. It changes quite a lot about the dynamic of the relationship. After 6 months you've gotten over the initial "la-la" land of feeling in love and have (hopefully) formed a functional, independent, self-reliant, trust worthy relationship. Those aspects are extremely important to have aligned before merging you and your partners worlds.

Your habits are different from your partners'. No matter whom you compare yourself too, your habits will always be different. You need to think about how often you clean, what you're willing to clean, how often you do laundry, if you tend to pay bills on time or not, what your personal budget is (for it'll be shared once you move in), what is your schedule/when is your free time, are you a morning person or night person, etc. You may be reading this thinking I'm crazy and that if you've been able to function with that person just fine moving in shouldn't be that big of a deal, but everything you do on your own will become compromised because you'll have a lover in your space. It's different than living with a friend for you'd have your own room to retreat to; in this situation you and your partner will be sharing a bed. So it's very important to analyze what it is that you do on your own so you can better compromise when you do move in.

After figuring yourself out you should discuss your partner's habits with them. They may have differences that are best discussed and worked on prior to moving in to see if moving in is even right at this moment. Some people don't mind washing the dishes every night - if they had the time. So while they don't have the time, or you don't have the time, they pile up in the sink and someone's tolerance needs to break. If it's you not cleaning up enough because you are just too busy to attend to it as often as your partner would need you to, or vice versa then that'll be something you'll have to work out. Maybe all you'll need to do is buy a dishwasher ;c)! There may be easy solutions, there may not - but it's much easier to discuss it all ahead of time before being hit on the head once a lease or mortgage is signed.

Have you lived with someone before? Did it work or not work? What were the pluses and what were the minuses? Anything you thought would have been better if you changed someone/discussed something? Anything you wish were different? Those are all important questions to consider as well. Having past experiences (positive or negative) will help for the past is always connected to the future.

The biggest killer in relationships, especially ones where you move in with your partner: FINANCES! You now have to discuss who is going to pay what, how much of your money goes toward something versus how much of your partner's money will go toward something, who is buying what to furnish the place, what of yours (and theirs) will need to be gotten rid of prior to moving in - for when living with someone you need to compromise as to how much of each person's things are really necessary, etc.

You should always talk about your finances - where you stand and where you're going. It's also a good idea to keep a documented record of all of the big purchases you've made on your own while living with that person (in addition to the big-purchased items that you'll be bringing into your new space). However, keep all of your personal finances personal. Do not let your partner dictate that; it's your bank account, your wallet. If you don't keep a documented record of everything that is yours, however, you'll leave yourself extremely vulnerable to losing everything if all does fall through in the end. Make sure both names are on the lease and that you and your partner have some type of written agreement. Relationships whose partners are equally interested in living together and making things work don't find this document to be a problem - just an FYI. Just make sure you keep your finances straight for they really are one of the roots to a failing relationship and potential bankruptcy.

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If you two have been fighting and you feel that by moving in together you'll eliminate that: WRONG! Moving in together, in fact, will complicate things further - not work them out. You need to feel completely comfortable with your partner, in all aspects, and not have an ounce of doubt. Living together may fix your desire to sleep together every night, but more goes into it than just that. You will now be within one another's space 24/7 - sharing everything. All questions, doubts, reconsiderations, and considerations need to be worked out before you two mesh your lives together. If things are not working out, figuring out a way to make them work out is a better solution than signing something you'll be stuck to.

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Moving in with someone could be an amazing experience. You two could have everything lined up and be able to work through things, mesh with things, and collaborate on things and have it work out beautifully! I know I have probably made it seem more complicated than it is - but everything has potential. Make sure you enter it with happy spirits and complete confidence that this is what you want. If you're not completely sure but want to test it (and everything looks like it's a go) find a place that you don't have to sign a full year's lease...maybe a place that goes month by month so if something does happen you'll have less of a penalty to pay.

Also, always have a back up plan. This goes for anyone moving anywhere really; it's best to have a place to go or a place you know you can turn to if things don't work out as expected. Things could look really good right now and be a mess within a week. Time does this funny thing to us called: unpredictability. If everything works out - awesome! If not, you're safe either way!

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This could make or break a relationship, so be smart with your decisions! Discuss everything, and keep your communication open & flowing!

Online Beginnings!

Don't knock it till you try it! Love is not an easy find.

Online dating has become one of the best devices for meeting a potential partner! Many people get discouraged by thinking that the person on the other side may not be who they say they are, but if you are truly looking for love (or for someone) this is a route I would highly recommend! You have the opportunity to spend less time going on dates with people you barely know and more time to get to know more than one person to see who may be right for you.

The benefits of being able to converse through email are:

- feeling less inhibited by social settings

- stronger ability to speak more openly/less shy

- saving money on a cocktail or food

- FREE

- no stress over when to answer or when not to answer

- pictures are available more often than not

- most phones allow your emails to be sent to them; highly convenient

Skeptics say that one should meet their mate in "real life" but who has time for that anymore? Nobody has the perfect job where they get paid well and can find love all in the same location. And who wants to go to a bar to find their partner? Other social settings such as volunteer work, school organizations, PTA meetings, etc. don't allot for enough socializing to really connect with someone well enough...that could even take months of attendance. Of course love (or lust for that matter) should never be rushed but a step in a more forward direction never hurt anyone.

A lot of dating websites are free, at least to sign up for them. This means that you have the chance to browse without having to put down cash. This also means that you are not obligated to put up any information of yours just yet. Even if you choose to stay with the 'free features,' put up pictures of yourself along with other information people can still contact you. Your response to them is free of charge! We all love free things :)

If this is something you've been curious about now is the time to try it!

If you are a skeptic who is afraid of meeting someone who isn't who they say they are, my advice to you is to thoroughly do your research! You certainly don't need to acquire their social security number for verification, but I would listen to your gut. Ask questions that are personal, make a note of them, and then reference them later on throughout the conversation. Most times you'll be able to catch them in their lie and then know whether it's a good idea to continue talking. If you feel everything is on par and he or she is someone you'd like to meet up with: MEET UP IN A PUBLIC PLACE! Find somewhere that is very busy; it's not like you both have to stay there once you've met up (especially if that person is indeed who you had been waiting for) but by doing that you both can feel secure in knowing that you both are who you say you are.

I'm not saying that everyone should find the love of their life on the internet, but I am saying that the internet has opened up an incredible opportunity to meet new people and not have to spend a meal or a drink every single time. There are plenty of fish in the sea, yes, but not every fish is the right fish so why bother surfing through a bar full of them (wasting your breath and energy) when you could browse online, read profiles, and spend your energy more wisely?

Dating websites I would recommend would be:

Eharmony.com

Match.com

Singlesnet.com

Tangowire.com

OkCupid.com

Spark.com

Loveaccess.com

Plentyoffish.com

There are tons more too, but those are ones I would start off browsing through. Look for deals if you are planning on joining any site in which you are willing to put cash into it. Check to see what their free features are versus their paid features to see if it is worth it/which site is worth paying for (if that is even something you want to do). Most certainly check out the free features. Some websites allow free chat, free initial contact, free browsing, etc.

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DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF! This may not be your first line of action when looking for a partner, and it obviously doesn't have to be your only action, but it is an option you should FULLY explore.

Feeling Good is Worth It.

Love is not and wont ever be rational.

Caring deeply for people can make you do things that you never thought you'd do before, react like you never thought you'd react before, and think like you never thought you'd think before. It makes us open up our emotions to a level of such vulnerability...and while vulnerable, we are also weak. This certainly isn't a bad thing, though.

It is absolutely okay to feel. We are all afraid of stepping in too deep and potentially getting shipwrecked, but the feelings that come with love, with being in love, is one of the greatest feelings known to human kind (and in my opinion: even better than an orgasm most times). It is also okay to fall first. There is no rhyme or reason as to how fast one can or can't fall. We all come from different relationship backgrounds where just as one could be so hurt they can't open up, one can be so ready and moved on from their past they can open up sooner. Even if the two of you don't work out, you would have shared something extremely incredible, both together and for yourself. Life doesn't always allot for relationships to exist for "forever," but it certainly does present us with the ability to love if given reason enough to.

By putting ourselves out there we are also risking getting hurt, yes. Jealousy doesn't come from a negative intention, though! It means that there are emotions involved, feelings opened up and a little bit of hurting going on. What we do when jealous or upset is act out. Not always for the better, but there is most definitely a reaction. You do control your actions, though. It doesn't take much to hurt someone when they like you, especially when them liking you is something you're aware of. So when someone acts out, specifically negatively, you have all right to be hurt but should also take into consideration what made him or her act that way. Part of love is also forgiveness, and the willing to work together to move forward.

Emotions are a tender thing: so easily bruised but not so easily healed. Love will never be rational, no matter how hard you try to make it be. When hurt, frustrated or angry while in love, caring or loving someone - our first instinct is to protect ourselves. It doesn't feel good to hurt, to feeling bruised - to feel vulnerable, so we don't always pick the best way to react.

If you have a partner that you feel is always overreacting or being hypersensitive to things then you need to discuss with them that a) it's something that's bothering you and b) figure out what it is they need so they won't react like that anymore. If the discussion between the both of you brings about a positive change and something you feel will work then go for it; if it is something you don't think you can handle or would rather not handle then be honest and tell him or her that.

If you feel that you're jealous, acting out or unhappy then you should say something too. Don't put blame on that person, however, just bring up that you are feeling uncomfortable lately and why. Discuss everything you're feeling and together figure out what the next step is going to be.

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All we can do is love until we can't. Again, we all have tolerance levels. Levels at which we know what we can and cannot handle. Love is not easy, it is not rational, it is not perfect. But to feel it, even for a moment, feels amazing. Regardless what it does to us, how it does it to us, who stays, who goes, etc. it was truly worth it to feel the good parts while it was good, or to continue to feel good while it's good. Having the ability to feel that great is worth it.

You're In Charge of YOURSELF!

DON'T GET TRAMPLED ON!!

If you are dating someone who you feel is taking advantage of you, not listening to you, not respecting you or downright mistreating you - you need to stop them. It takes two to tango, if you're constantly giving all yourself to him or her then what are you giving to you? NOTHING! At the end of the day, when you close your eyes, all you have is you, yourself, and you. You shouldn't let other's mistreat you just like you shouldn't be mistreating yourself.

It's difficult when confronted with having to walk away from someone whom you may love and care a lot for, but if they are make you feel sad or confused or anything with a negative connotation then you should really reevaluate what's going on with you two. My first piece of advice would be to write down all of the things that make you feel the way you do. Then I would take a day (at least) to figure out how to say what it is you need to say to your partner to get the results you need. Words do hurt so make sure you're calm while talking with your partner. When you do discuss things, don't say anything you cannot stick by. If you say you need space then take your space, don't just claim space and then going running to him or her. That will only confuse them and inevitably confuse yourself. ALSO - don't say anything that is only to test that person. So if you say you want space but you are really testing him or her to see how long it takes for them to come begging for you, you're playing games and NO ONE likes games.

You can't just walk away from a situation without saying anything. Ignoring them is prolonging the issue. If you're choosing to stay with him or her I would start by saying what the good things are that you have between you and then delve into what you feel you need changed. You don't want to seem as if you are pinning that person to a wall, but more that you care very much for them and want things to work. If they continue to mistreat you, confuse you or not respect you then you should really take time for yourself. I'm not saying to break up with them, but to stop seeing him or her until you feel your head isn't clouded. A lot of times it is harder to see inside the box when you are standing in it; you really need to step back and see what is truly going on. You have to stand up for yourself! Allowing yourself to get stepped on and mishandled is wasting your time and damaging your heart. If you're going to break up with them (or something of that nature) then you need to give clear reasons why and stick to them. If you just want a break, state that; if you want to fully break up, state that. Whatever it is you want you really should make it clear and understandable.

If you are comfortable with the change that happens once you've said what you need to, even if it takes a little time for everything to get fixed (because it is certain that nothing happens over night) then I would stick with him or her until given another reason/drop of tolerance happens.

Everything is a matter of tolerance - don't neglect your gut! If you have to think twice, EVEN IF YOU ONLY HAVE TO THINK TWICE, then something is up. Again, it is very hard to let go of someone for fear of losing them. But what if you are losing yourself? What if after all is said and done, after you've strained yourself to the thinnest, after you've cried every last tear drop your eyes can produce - you still don't have him or her? and now you've given up so much of your time and energy for what? to lose yourself to someone you didnt even end up with?! It's better if you are to step away, collect yourself, and re-enter the relationship with a clear perspective on how to keep YOURSELF happy and keep the relationship happy. Don't let yourself slip into the life of someone else - YOU ARE A SOMEONE TOO!! You should always be in charge of you. You have to communicate what you're feeling to him or her (positive or negative), but you certainly shouldn't be unhappy.

Cloudiness will get you into trouble. Trouble causes heartache. And heartache never feels good. Keep open communication with your partner, especially if you think they are worth it. Only say what you intend on sticking with, the more rules you line up and don't follow the more they will walk all over you. DEMAND RESPECT! For everyone deserves that and should never go a minute, an hour or a day without it!! You need to love yourself first, and everyone else next. That doesn't mean be selfish and treat your partner like crap just because you feel they're treating you that way, but it does mean that you shouldn't stand for any maltreatment!

Love yourself; you're the only person who truly knows how to! <3

The X Factor!

Regardless of where you move, who you know or the places you go - you will ALWAYS have an Ex to deal with. I like to call it: The X Factor!

If you're single and an Ex is floating around is it bad to hook up with them? Absolutely not. I would advise, however, to make sure you both communicate about what each of you are looking for because you do have a history together. It doesn't matter the reasons why you broke up, but you or them will have battle wounds to deal with. You don't want to hurt each other again, or further, so if you aren't planning on discussing things before delving in again - DON'T DO IT! If you are the one being open and he or she isn't then you also need to be cautious about what you're doing. Everyone has feelings, you can't forget that for your own pleasure. You CANNOT be selfish when it comes to an ex; especially if you want them to be your friend. If you still have feelings for that Ex - BE CAREFUL! Sex is more often than not emotional when it comes to an Ex because feelings from the past are bound to come up. You cannot forget what happened in your past no matter how many times you'd like to, and we'd all like to, sometimes. You cannot hold them accountable for not feeling the same way as you may; just as they can't hold you accountable for not feeling the same way they may. KEEP IT CLEAR! Who wants pain? Noone.

Revenge is not a solution either. You cannot, and should not, use an Ex as revenge against anyone else. Even if it is comfortable for the both of you to make someone else jealous or to get revenge on someone it is NOT OKAY! Toying with people's feelings will only hurt you in the long run. Don't add that to your rep -- it doesn't look good.

If you're in a relationship and you are friends with an Ex, specifically an Ex who is around frequently you need to make sure that boundaries are established with both the person you are seeing and the Ex. You do not want things to get hazy and to have your current partner leave you because they are jealous or because it has something/anything to do with your Ex. You also don't want to confuse your Ex. It is perfectly FINE to have an Ex as a friend; they were in your life for a reason and just because things didn't work out between the two of you relationship-wise doesn't mean that they can't be in your life at all. You can be friends with multiple ex's for that matter.

If the person you are dating doesn't approve of you being friends with your Ex, well then you really shouldn't be with them. NEVER let someone dictate your life. I'm not saying as soon as he or she says, "I don't like him or her" that you immediately break it off without a discussion, but certainly if they don't give adequate reasons (and those being reasons you can work through) then I would suggest leaving. If you feel that you partner's reasons are based off of insecurities of any short then address that!! Perhaps your partner isn't saying that they aren't okay with your Ex but is actually saying they need more security or reassurance. THAT IS NORMAL! People deal with insecurities all the time, most of them are subconscious and come from poor past relationships. You can't fault them, but you should correct them.

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If you are the person feeling insecure or not okay with your partner being friends with, hanging out with, or being around an Ex you should say something. Sitting in silence or silently retaliating isn't going to get you anywhere. If you think there is something more going on between them then them just being Ex's and keeping in touch as friends don't just let that go. It won't enhance your relationship, and frankly it will only make matters worse. If you HAVE addressed it and the situation between your partner and their Ex still makes you feel uncomfortable than you can either choose to tolerate and accept what they have or break up with them. You don't want to be left uncomfortable - regardless of how much you care about him or her.

If your insecurities are in fact stemming from a past relationship than you should address that yourself. Keep the conversation open with your partner that you're still working on feeling more secure and you would appreciate him or her keeping in mind that although you love them you can't be fixed over night. This is not an excuse that you can run with though, and it is something that you should try and work on. If you can't fix it in this relationship it won't magically disappear in the next. Don't think, though, that what you're going through is abnormal. When you're in a relationship with someone you are going to be affected by it - it just happens. But you have to remind yourself that the person you are currently seeing IS NOT the person that hurt you and you cannot treat them as if they are. Each person is a new relationship and though they may have similarities, THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

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If you have an Ex that is making you feel uncomfortable than state that also. A lot of people don't know where to draw the line - SO DRAW IT FOR THEM! You should not be made to feel uncomfortable by a past lover. It is wrong of them, yes. But if he or she doesn't stop then you need to stop them. If you are single it may be more difficult, but stand your ground. Say what you mean and mean what you say. You cannot say "leave me alone" one minute and "okay we can talk" the next. It has to be one way or the other; you cannot confuse your Ex. Set your boundaries and STICK TO THEM! There will always be the person who won't ever let you be or the person who comes back around every now and then (when you know damn well all the want is to be with you) and that isn't healthy for either of you. Taking space doesn't mean you two can't be friends later on in life - but currently you're in the present and if the present doesn't allow them to live comfortably in your life as your Ex than you need to take a step back. Time does this wonderful thing of clearing up the past and making it understandable in the future....so let time do it's job. In the meantime YOU need to take control of YOUR life...simply because you're the only one in charge of YOU!

If you still have joint accounts, bills, valuables or what have you - get that squared away. If it becomes too difficult for you to do on your own then find a mediator. That can be a lawyer, family member or trust-worthy friend; you should not have to deal with ANYTHING that you don't want to. There are other people who are willing to help you I'm sure. Money may be an issue with getting a lawyer - but the cost of sanity is priceless! Don't just sit back and allow yourself to be stressed out when there is a solution to your problem!

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Ex's are inevitable. You can either work through it or walk away. If you are open about what you are feeling, however, I can guarantee that you'll be much happier!

Sex is Line-Less

NO boundaries, NO confinements, NO limits!

There are too many things that one could do during sex that one could never define sex as "boring." The problem people face, truly, is the issue with taboos. Once upon a time when sex wasn't talked about and "the birds and the bees" were the only words exchanged sex became something that was looked down upon and even shameful. DON'T BE ASHAMED! We are born sexual creatures whose instincts are to give, please, and receive. They don't have the 100+ positions for nothing! Let alone an endless supply of toys, tools, and accessories to work with!

Times are changing yes, but the only thing that is really changing is the openness we have with sex.

If you feel you are in a relationship that you want to take to new heights don't be afraid to say so! You will be your own enemy. The worst your partner can say is "I'd rather not" to which you'll simply have to accept. OR try to compromise with them so that you both can be happy. Those who aren't experienced with things "out of the ordinary" or outside of what they've done already sometimes find it difficult to register what it is YOU want to do/experiment with. If you're feeling intimidated because you think that he or she really understand what you need or be receptive: SAY IT ANYWAY, just watch your phrasing. Don't give ultimatums, don't make it seem as if they aren't satisfying you at all, and certainly don't get pouty or upset if the answer is no. Some people just aren't comfortable, but you'll never know that if you don't ask him or her - or even bring up what it is that would make YOU happy.

Experimenting is a fun way to open yourself up as well as your partner. The more you experiment the more spice you'll find and the more satisfaction you'll gain. Sex is absolutely LINE-LESS. There is nothing that defines "normal" or "abnormal." A lot of people think that the missionary position (heterosexually speaking) is the "normal" way to have sex... however, that is not the case. The reason it was seen as "traditional" is because men typically have the power...over everything...and for the man to be on top that would make sense. But DID YOU KNOW that the mutually preferred position is doggy style? Regardless of whether you are heterosexual or homosexual, that position takes the prize! However, that doesn't mean that's the only position you should try either! You can stand up, sit down, lay, recline, arch, bend.... seriously - the possibilities are ENDLESS!

STEP OUT SIDE OF THE BOX! Dont allow your fantasies, desires and turn-on's go unnoticed; especially if you feel you need something new to make your relationship survive. Sex is a big part of what makes a relationship last - don't sell yourself short. The longer you go deprived, the longer you'll be unhappy and the shorter your relationship is going to be.

Granted, if you don't have any qualms with how your relationship is going, you feel that everything is healthy and you are fully satisfied CONGRATULATIONS! There are not many people who can say that.

At the end of the day make sure you consider YOUR happiness. You can be in love and satisfied with your lover emotionally, but sexually is the other half of what makes you two sync. Don't sell yourself short, it's not worth it. I'm not saying walk away every time the sexual aspect doesn't line up - but I am saying to talk about it. Without communication you will get no where - and when you're in love it is certainly worth it to at least mention what it is that will keep you happy. Sex doesn't have to be stale - it can be EVERYTHING you want it to be.

Live free, Live happy, Live openly.

Keeping Yourself Afloat

Hey, hey now! Whether you're worried about your relationship ending or trying not going too far too fast with someone new- you need to always make sure you're afloat.

What I really mean by staying afloat is keeping a clear mindset. It is true that it does take two to tango, however the only one who can truly keep you happy is YOURSELF! This is not the time to lose yourself to your emotions. Keeping calm and being patient, as hard as those two things are [especially in combination] are the two things that will get you through without excessive panic attacks, anxiety or worry. Keep focused on staying happy; constantly remind yourself what makes you happy. If you and that person are wrong for each other, time will tell. If you two are meant to be together, time will tell. I was talking with a friend the other day, who I actually think is quite wise, and her and I agreed that the best thing to do is live in the moment. Keep your brain inside your skull & your heart in your chest. Everything will work out.

So, you've met someone new? They seem to be everything you want so far? They're making you open your heart just a little bit? Making you sweat at just the thought of them? HOLD UP HOT STUFF! Stay focused here! There's no need to rush anything; no need to get caught up in your emotions. Did you know that your body first thinks with its sexual appetite? Really getting to know someone takes at least a month to two months. It is not wrong, however, to start to question whether you could see yourself with that person or not. Over time, even from the beginning, you will be putting them together like a puzzle - to see if their pieces can fit in with yours. You cannot rush the other person to come to conclusions as fast as you or slower than you though; you simply have to wait. There is no harm in asking questions when you feel you want to or need to. You will notice things that will make you wonder what that person really thinks and you know that their answer will determine some things for you - and it is fine to wonder and to bring it up. As always, though, there are ways to phrase things so that you don't seem overwhelming. After a while you should get to learn how to communicate with them to get what you need, but for the beginning you'll have to start off easy. Take in more observations than anything.

Keep your head in check, too. Without a title they are free reign, so don't expect them to commit right away. One night of sex does not mean ownership - but don't we all wish it would some times ;c). Just because things seem fantastic doesn't mean it's time to run out and grab that UHaul. She may be one foxy lady that seems to have incredible intelligence or he may seem really successful, charming and handsome but rushing things will gyp you of potentially having a phenomenal relationship because you may scare the other away and/or gyp yourself of simply enjoying the company of something wonderful coming into your life (for however long he or she may be in it for).

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself. Don't get me wrong: don't stand for bullshit - but until there is any stay for as long as you feel comfortable, as long as you feel happy, and as long as you feel content.

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For those on the other end of the spectrum: the discussion of potential break up, time apart, the breaking up, the anger, the loss of identity, the shattered inner half, thought of things going sour - CHIN UP! CHIN UP! CHIN UP!! & Stay Calm! You cannot act too quickly and you cannot get irrational or lose your mind. Sit down and think about what is really going on with your situation. You should discuss how you're feeling with your partner, however don't pose anything as a break up unless you know for sure that's what you want. Words do make an impact on the other person, so choose them wisely. But if you want to try and make things work then make sure that is something that you state followed by what you feel needs to be worked on. Something to consider as well is that you didn't date him or her because you were on a whim (9/10 anyhow) and they were something worth sticking around for for a little while at least - therefore you don't want to just make a snap decision. By snap decision I mean a decision that wasn't well thought out.

If you feel things are ending and you have no control over them - you've both discussed things and are taking time to think about them - just relax. You cannot make your pieces fit together if they just don't fit together. And if they're going to fit, they will fit once you are able to find peace at mind and peace at heart. Calm down and work on yourself for a minute. FINALLY! you have a minute to love only yourself and give yourself what you feel you have been missing (and if you haven't been missing anything than some down time for yourself is never a bad thing anyway). By all means if you feel you have something to fight for, fight for it! You do not want to live with the "what if's" or "what could have beens" because you'll drive yourself crazy months down the line when you feel you've made a mistake. Maybe he or she doesn't know exactly how you feel (even if you think you've said it a billion times) and you just need to say it once more - DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT! It may be the last time you have to talk about it.

If you've just gotten out of a relationship and are feeling lost well, NEWS FLASH You are not any less of who you are without that person. Stay afloat and keep it together. Everything happens for a reason, we all hear that and we all say that but sometimes it's hard to believe it - I know. But there will be another. Keep yourself afloat with your friends, movies, writing, music, dancing, or whatever your busy habits may be. Of course you'll lose sleep and not feel as functional, but staying afloat and as happy as possible at a point in your life where happiness seems impossible is extremely important. You were beautiful before he or she entered your life, and watching them go isn't easy but who wants to pretend to be happy or be the only happy one involved? HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY is the key word here. You need to stay above it all. Pain is inevitable, but be above the pain. Keep yourself reminded of why you deserve to be happy (and deserve to have someone who is happy with you so you can feel happy with them; and who can make you happy and who you are happy with). Dealing with the anger or disappointments is frustrating, grueling and unappreciated - but it is reality unfortunately. You are certainly allowed to think whatever you wish to think, just be cautious of your actions.

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Keeping yourself afloat, whether you're trying to stay grounded while a new lover twirls your heart high into the mountains or you're reaching for a life raft to keep yourself from sinking you need to always, always (ALWAYS) keep in mind that you should always be your first priority in matters of the heart.

You are the only one who knows how to make yourself happy and there will be those who are able to keep you happy too, but at the end of the day you are the only judge as to how happy you want to be, need to be, and are.

Breaking Down Walls

Peeling away the layers of previous heartache, past disappointments, and lack of closures is exhilarating once it happens, but scary as hell in the process.

How does one go about taking down their walls? Well, first the feeling to establish between yourself and your partner is TRUST. If you feel you can't trust them then it's never going to happen. Similarly to someone who has all of your trust and betrays you, it takes a while to build that back up. However, when you're with someone new and you have a past that isn't as pretty as you would have liked it to have been you cannot, whatsoever, take your past with you to the present. I say that lightly though, because it is impossible to completely forget your past (especially a relationship that may have hurt you severely). It's okay to take your time and not open your heart up right away - however it is not okay to not keep that person informed as to what you are feeling ESPECIALLY IF THEY ASK. If you plan to see someone regularly there needs to be a form of openness between the both of you.

If you are finding it abnormally difficult to open up to someone then you should sit down and figure out if that is really what you want right now. Do you want a relationship? Do you want a hook-up buddy? A friends with benefits? Your actions will depend on your answers to that question. If you want a relationship and can't let your walls down due to a past relationship then maybe you should take more time to either a) learn how to communicate openly so you can do what you want to (hook up, date, see, etc.) or b) take a step back and spend some quality YOU time. There is more than one person involved in any type of sexual/emotional situation. You can't be selfish and just do what you want to do, it is unfair and will ultimately come back to bite you in the ass. Sure it's difficult to make a decision, you may feel pressured, or whatever your reason may be - but you're still not alone in that. If you're afraid to speak because you don't want to mess up what you have well, that's just too bad. It sucks when its hard sure, but think what it would be like if you were in their position. Don't be the reason why someone else gets jaded and needs to hold their walls up too long.

I say take your time, but what is too long? Too long is seeing someone consistently for 3+ months and not feeling open or able to let your walls down. Again, that is unfair to the person you are with. After a month someone can judge pretty fairly whether sticking around is worth it or not. If it's not and you're having doubts then you should call it either an open relationship or discuss the issues you have as to why you're not opening up and try to fix them. If you need to take two, do so. Be open about where you are, but sure - take it.

It is not easy to allow your emotions to flow freely after being so wounded and jaded by those in your past. But if you got over the first heartbreak, you've probably gotten over your second and there will be more after that. It seems hopeless at times, heart break takes so long to get over. If you can remember what it felt like to get over one, it'll be easier every time. Some hurt more than others, but the process to allow yourself to have your heart back and sew yourself/your emotions together is always the same. The biggest thing is learning to forgive those worth forgiving, forget those who deserve to be forgotten, and to find closure before doing anything. You deserve to be heard and to hear whatever is necessary to make that closure what it is. You may not be able to do so right away. Who wants to walk back into a fire or fall back into their tissue box? Take your time. Remember, it's your heart and will always be your heart no matter whom you give it to at the time.

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If you're the person who is head over heels and dealing with someone who you can tell won't let down their walls don't hesitate to say something. When I say don't hesitate I don't mean after a night of crazy sex you start hounding them about their feelings, but rather give it a few weeks (3-4) to feel things out yourself and then start bringing up the "Where do we go from here?" questions. In case there may be a severe reason behind why the person may not want to open up, you need to be gentle with the way you bring it up. First you should bring up how you feel, what they did to make you feel that way, and what you enjoy most about them. Then you can suggest that you're looking for what they have to say back to you and if they don't take the hint you could say, "What do you think?" in a sweet way. Most men and women take very well to an ego boost before they open up and feel comfortable trusting.

DON'T PUSH! If they don't want to open up yet give them a little more time. Truly this becomes a matter of tolerance. If you want to have someone who is more open then the person you're seeing you'll eventually decide it's not right for you and so forth. But there is no need to be asking your partner/potential partner how they feel 24/7 or expect them to just randomly come up with the answers you've been looking for. Patience is not a virtue everyone owns but it should be exercised heavily when it comes to this topic. You don't know their entire past, for if you did they would have opened up to you already. Bits and pieces do not count as letting a wall down, however it is a sign of progress. If that progress stays idle or is enough to keep you stringing along this, again, becomes a matter of tolerance. Some people can wait 6 months, a year, 2 years before they can't take it anymore. Don't lose yourself in the game of hope, though. Look out for the signs of true progression - the main signs would be a sense of closeness and willingness to make time to see each other.

Be patient, all good things come with time.

Passion, where fore art thou?

Do you stay or do you go? Where does YOUR passion lay?

Sometimes that is the hardest question to ask yourself; and an even harder one to answer. There are so many different areas of a relationship, of a connection with someone (some more vital than others), that need to be in line in order to function well. Some of those areas include: emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, views/opinions, parenting concerns, financial, etc. The majority, if not all, need to be pretty much aligned otherwise something may fall off balance and create a reason to break up...or at least question whether you want to break up or not...potentially several times (with maybe even weeks, months, or years in between those times).

One should take a lot of things into consideration before just ending something that used to seem "perfect." First and foremost, where's your passion? Some issues, trivial or not, can be handled or worked through as long as you both have a history of good communication or a plan to create that good communication. Does your passion lay with your heart, your emotional connection, your desire for love & companionship...or does your passion lay between their legs...or yours for that matter?

Truth is... your answer should be both. A solid combination of a healthy emotional state and a healthy sexual connection is what makes for a long-lasting relationship. If it is strongly one side or the other...and the half that isn't strong has issues then it's time to sit down and consider YOUR PERSONAL HAPPINESS. Relationships need passion, need a zest, need something that continuously create sparks in all aspects.

Typically questions of the future will come up and can be discussed, but you can't settle for second best. If your partner doesn't fulfill all areas - to the point where you don't discuss them, don't attempt to communicate nor really want to communicate, and think about what it would be to be without them/question why you're with them then you should really think about breaking up. Don't short yourself of PASSION! it is NOT just for the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship. For example, I know this one man who after marrying his wife sent her flowers every week because she loved them so much. Their sex life must have been wonderful, also, to be married for over 20+ years...Don't deny yourself happiness - it's the one time that it is okay to be truly selfish.

Speaking of honeymoon phases, once you're in love it should always be honeymoon phase. The getting to know each other and finding things in common is just the foundation, but you should always be feeling butterflies, or happy/content with your partner. Minor fights and things you work through don't take the love away, but if when back in a state of 'calm' you need to be that happy and content again.

Follow your heart, but also follow your passion. People have passions for all sorts of different things: recreational, professional, leisure, sex, other people.... and having passion, love, fulfillment, etc. is wonderful. Relationships are full of that too, or at least should be. Make your choices wisely, don't jump to conclusions, don't be impulsive or spiteful, don't overreact - but take your time (if you're thinking you're missing something...that there's something not quite right about your relationship) and mull it over a while. No one can make you happier than you can make yourself.

Heartbreak Reality Check

So many people come to me with stories of desperation over broken hearts and lack of understanding as to why their relationship ended. What people really want to hear is that they were right about everything, that all the issues were because of the other person, and that they are marvelous so that they can find closure and attempt to move on.

Reality is, though, that your heart is always yours. No matter whom you choose to date, label yours, define a monogamous relationship with, have sex with, etc - your heart is still your own. Many consider themselves halves that when with another person makes a whole. WRONG! It is better to be a whole and join with another whole so that the both of you can learn to be happy together and apart. When you close your eyes, you have you, yourself, and you. So if you don't know how to make yourself happy no one is going to be enough to please you. It is important to remind yourself what in life keeps you content and secure. It could be having a steady job, steady sex, friends, a favorite hang out spot, an interesting book, great food, and so forth. It is nice to be able to have things that make you happy that you can share with your partner, not need your partner for in order for that even to be happy. So many people lose themselves to their partner, and when they don't have them anymore it takes so much longer to build themselves back up again.

My theory on relationships is that there is NOT one right person for everyone, but a right person for moments in time. That moment can last a day, a year, a month or even a week. Environments and personalities are changing constantly. There is such a variety of people in the world that you are bound to click with more than just one. Even when in a relationship it's not that you don't click with other people and find them attractive, you're just not acting on it because you're with someone else. But that supports my theory in that there are so many people that could be so right for particular moments but that won't last for forever. Don't get wrapped up in finding THE RIGHT ONE, because there are too many to deem just one girl or guy as your absolute perfect match. Think about all the other relationships you've had: they all had pieces and parts that were fantastic...until time took hold and life shifted and you two were no longer as compatible as you had been. Just roll with it.

Instead of treating each person as a heart break, treat them as a lesson. From each person you learn more about yourself (what you like, don't like, need, don't need, desire, don't desire, and so forth) you learn about what you want and don't want in a partner, and you know how much you can tolerate or put up with. Being hopelessly in love with someone and having them leave you is certainly devastating. You may not understand why or how it could be so - but you don't need to wallow in order to get back up on your feet.

If you want to find closure and you feel you cannot do it on your own - simply write down a list of what it is you need to talk about in order to find that closure. Under no circumstances become a groveling case as to why you want your partner back. Once you've established what you need contact them in a way that doesn't come across overwhelming and be polite. Don't allow anger, hurt and frustration to take over your emotions. An email would be a good way to write a letter to that person explaining why you were hurt and what it is that you would like from them to achieve closure (because we all need closure, need to put an end to a chapter). If they don't respond at least you said how you felt and their lack of response will be [or should be] closure enough. If you want to carry on a conversation (but don't mind not being heard if they don't want to respond to you) I would suggest a text message saying, "I would like to find closure if you'd be kind enough to give me the time," or something to that effect. If you can handle potentially being ignored or forwarded to voicemail, then you can leave a message saying something similar to what you'd say in your text message. The biggest part of finding closure is accepting that you may not. Reaching out without response back is a form of closure as well, so long as you say all you need to [however you need to; as little or as much as you need to].

At the end of the day it is perfectly normal to feel upset when you lose someone (or something) that was extremely important to you. However, most times there isn't much that can be done about it. Crying for a few days may help release the pain - go for it! But don't let yourself get caught up in your pain. Each person has so much to offer as an individual, as a self-sustaining whole; you should take what you have and relish in it. Be happy for you, and when someone comes along that can work with all of what you've got then you've found yourself another moment! Heartbreak is devastating, but on as devastating as you allow it to be. You have the control - take it, stand up on your own two feet and walk with love for yourself. No one can love you more than you can love yourself.

Your heart, your feelings - keep yourself happy.

Who Needs Toys?

Toys can vary in sizes, uses, and preferences. But don't discriminate! They may not be for everyone but they can be useful. The qualm most people have with them comes from never having used them, never having seen them used, or plain lack of information. Tools/toys can actually enhance a sexual experience if used properly. DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT!

Dildo's are one of many toys that get overlooked and are deemed only for lesbian dykes. WRONG! A lot of women actually enjoy multiple stimulus so while their male or female partner is using that on them internally what's wrong with a little oral attached? They also make a great foreplay. For straight men - they don't always last as long as their female partner needs them to in order for the female to orgasm also. If they were to start with a dildo, or other internal device that can provide a similar feeling, and then finish with their own equipment there could be better pleasure for the both of them. A misconception about lesbians is why would they use dildos (or penis-looking tools/toys) when they're supposed to only like girls?The toy is NOT a penis, it's a toy; and stimulation is stimulation. Therefore, if a lesbian is to use a tool it does not mean they are bisexual or like men - it simply means they enjoy pleasure in that way. Gay men also, just because they have a penis doesn't mean they don't like toys. Giving a blow job and anal insertion may be just what your partner is looking for! There are multiple ways of cumming, just like there are multiple way to please. OH! Double-sided dildo's are also a beneficial toy. Double the pleasure, half the work!

Vibration, vibration! Whether it's a traditional vibrator, a rabbit, a clitoral stimulator, finger vibes or a cock ring - it all feels great! If you are one of the unfortunate people to have never touched one or owned one, I highly advise it. It is a wonderful addition to self pleasure as well as joint pleasure. Many people, specifically women, don't know how to make themselves cum. If you don't know, ladies, no one else will. You could encounter one of the most well-informed people ever, but it doesn't mean he or she can read minds. Learning what it feels like to cum the way you'd like to cum will ultimately lead to a better sex life. And who doesn't want that? Men should also invest, and not just in cock rings. Using a vibrator as a secondary stimulus to a regular hand job spices up the self pleasure, and also becomes something your partner can play with too! Don't overlook this toy!

Anal beads? Most people when I bring up this topic look at me with their eyes crossed. "It is an exit only region." Maybe I'm not talking to gay men enough!! Did you know that anal organs can be a way to orgasm too, especially if trying to obtain multiple pleasure? For those who can't take a dildo, a penis, or anything of that size and width I would suggest fingers or anal beads. Fingers are a great way to start off, especially if you're concerned with pain or anything, but anal beads provide a pleasure that is increasing versus steady. The balls increase in size though it is NOT necessary to take the whole strand. These are especially great for gay men that are just starting to explore themselves. They are not for everyone, sure, but they should at least be contemplated.

There are also more toys than just those that can be inserted. A blindfold is a great way to build anticipation. It can be used before or during and serves as one of the best toys around. There are all different types of blind folds too, addressing fetishes of all sorts. Perhaps you have an outfit you want to keep secret from you partner because you know it will rub him or her the right way - use a blind fold! Once it's taken off the anticipation will be at such great height it will be almost impossible to lose their attention. Handcuffs are also a great sex toy. They are available with different types of fabrics, furs, and colors! There are many ways and many places one could handcuff their partner and switch up the role of control. How about rope?! Don't be silly, this isn't typical rope. This has to be rope that is purchased in a sex shop/sex store because the material it is made with prevents rope burn. However, those who are masochists could use whatever they like - but for the rest of us I would suggest the specialized rope. Rope is also great for suspension. There are many wonderful books that teach the proper way to tie knots that allow for suspension, but one should invest in the proper things you'd need in order to suspend someone safely.

The key with all toys is safety. Make sure they're washed, sanitized, and used properly. Exploration is fantastic, but some things can cause damage...especially tying up, inserting, or binding any area that may be vital to that person's sex life (i.e. penis, balls, breasts, ass). DO YOUR RESEARCH! Although toys are not always needed to have an orgasm, they certainly help. They are not only a physical stimulator but they are also a mental stimulator. Explore your fantasies!! But most importantly do your research, do your research, do your research (did I mention research?) before you make any kind of purchase. Most toys are not returnable. If still packaged they may do an exchange for store credit, but avoiding that would be best.

Who needs toys? Anyone with an open mind. They are great for everyone, even for personal use. Who doesn't want an orgasm? No one. Unless you're A-Sexual of course...but then this blog wouldn't be for you ;c)

The Big "O"

Orgasms. Everyone wants one, but not everyone gets one. Why is it that not everyone feels they can get off? Unfortunately there is more than one answer to this.

Sometimes there is an intense pressure to cum. For example, if you are having sex with a person for the first time and want to keep their attention having an orgasm seems to be a wonderful outcome. It makes you feel great and your partner feel great. If you don't orgasm, perhaps you're afraid that you won't keep them, that you'll disappoint them, that they'll want to have less sex with you. WRONG! It is OKAY not to cum! Sex is more than just an orgasm, it is about the intimacy between the two people that are sharing it. Obviously with a one night stand it'll be disappointing - but you'd be faking it for it to be over with (seeing how it wasn't that good, haha). So my advice is to just relax and let things happen. It make take more than 20 minutes to achieve climax, and that is fine. The more you talk to your partner about how you like to be touched the easier cumming may be as well. Or if you feel your partner is pressuring you to cum too fast (and you lose concentration, etc.) then explain that to them. The majority of those involved in relationships want a two way street: to please and to be pleased. Don't get caught up in the moment of pressure, breathe and take a minute.

For others there may be psychological inhibitors that don't allow a person to concentrate or let go enough. Do you have a history of sexual abuse? Do you feel shy or intimidated? Were there any past relationships that influence your sex drive/sexual actions? Psychological issues can be addressed by oneself without a therapist if one is willing to do some hardcore self analysis. Write down different sexual encounters you've had and what within those encounters you felt comfortable with or don't feel comfortable with. Once you're ready to address your partner with what you feel the issue may be - you'll feel relieved, revived, and ready to enjoy sex again.

**The true key to an orgasm is patience**

For those who feel they can't provide adequate service: You can't just touch a vagina or a penis and think things will just happen by themselves. You need to read the person's body, ask what they like and don't like, and really listen when they moan or shift their position. Every body is different; everyone has different erogenous zones. Be sure to explore everything before giving up. Perhaps you're not good at something the other person wants, doesn't mean you can't learn.

For those who feel they need to fake it: Tell your partner what you want! Maybe you're so silent and stiff that reading any energy from you becomes impossible. You cannot expect your partner to be a mind reader! They may have had sex with many people before you, but it doesn't mean that they have a magic wand and can perform miracles. Don't be afraid to say something. Your biggest mistake will be faking it every time, because then your partner will think you like things you really don't and you'll never be satisfied.

YOU CAN GET OFF! Embrace what is necessary to achieve that orgasm. Achieve Climax!

Too Much Sex?

There is never such a thing as too much sex, with oneself or with a partner. Everyone has different sex drives; different libidos. There are those who want sex 24/7 and then there are those who are satisfied with a few times a month. Everyone is different, but different isn't wrong. One should never apologize for the amount of sex they like to have, nor should they limit that amount simply because they enjoy it often. For some, sex isn't that important in a relationship. They find the emotional connection to be enough stimulus to keep the relationship healthy and stable. For others, however, sex is not only an activity they enjoy but they feel it brings them closer with their partner.

If you're dating a person who doesn't want to have a lot of sex with you and is not willing to compromise you have to decide how important sex is. You can either stay, knowing that the amount of sex you typically have may not be met or go, knowing you can find someone who can match your sex drive (or more). All is a matter of tolerance; how much you can personally endure. If you have a partner that you want to have more sex with but they seem to not be on your page - bring them there. Talk about it. Mention how much you enjoy sex and its importance to you (granted, don't phrase it in a way that makes it seem like that is ALL you want). Sex isn't everything, but the amount of times you have it (or don't have it) vary from person to person and relationship to relationship. Who knows, maybe all "the one" is missing is the amount of sex you share and by bringing it up he or she may acknowledge your wishes and form a happy, healthy compromise with you. Scared they'll leave you? DON'T BE! If you're bringing the topic up, or are even thinking about it often enough where you've contemplated bringing it up it's obviously important enough to you where if they do leave you, you would have left them anyhow. It's a win - win situation.

Again, just because every one's sex drives are different (and hormone levels vary too) you are not responsible for apologizing for it. If you don't like having sex that much, you also are not responsible for apologizing. Everyone is different, no one person is created the same. There is someone out there that can match the level at which you stand. Stay true to what you feel, stay true to what you need, and don't be afraid to communicate.

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The only time this topic gets tricky is when guilt comes into play. You should never feel guilty for the amount of sex you have or the desire to have/not have sex. If you do start to feel guilty you need to reflect on what it is that is making you feel that way. Was it a past relationship? A past event? A fear? Really analyze your feelings and discuss them with someone you trust (even a therapist/hotline if need be).