Keeping Yourself Afloat

Hey, hey now! Whether you're worried about your relationship ending or trying not going too far too fast with someone new- you need to always make sure you're afloat.

What I really mean by staying afloat is keeping a clear mindset. It is true that it does take two to tango, however the only one who can truly keep you happy is YOURSELF! This is not the time to lose yourself to your emotions. Keeping calm and being patient, as hard as those two things are [especially in combination] are the two things that will get you through without excessive panic attacks, anxiety or worry. Keep focused on staying happy; constantly remind yourself what makes you happy. If you and that person are wrong for each other, time will tell. If you two are meant to be together, time will tell. I was talking with a friend the other day, who I actually think is quite wise, and her and I agreed that the best thing to do is live in the moment. Keep your brain inside your skull & your heart in your chest. Everything will work out.

So, you've met someone new? They seem to be everything you want so far? They're making you open your heart just a little bit? Making you sweat at just the thought of them? HOLD UP HOT STUFF! Stay focused here! There's no need to rush anything; no need to get caught up in your emotions. Did you know that your body first thinks with its sexual appetite? Really getting to know someone takes at least a month to two months. It is not wrong, however, to start to question whether you could see yourself with that person or not. Over time, even from the beginning, you will be putting them together like a puzzle - to see if their pieces can fit in with yours. You cannot rush the other person to come to conclusions as fast as you or slower than you though; you simply have to wait. There is no harm in asking questions when you feel you want to or need to. You will notice things that will make you wonder what that person really thinks and you know that their answer will determine some things for you - and it is fine to wonder and to bring it up. As always, though, there are ways to phrase things so that you don't seem overwhelming. After a while you should get to learn how to communicate with them to get what you need, but for the beginning you'll have to start off easy. Take in more observations than anything.

Keep your head in check, too. Without a title they are free reign, so don't expect them to commit right away. One night of sex does not mean ownership - but don't we all wish it would some times ;c). Just because things seem fantastic doesn't mean it's time to run out and grab that UHaul. She may be one foxy lady that seems to have incredible intelligence or he may seem really successful, charming and handsome but rushing things will gyp you of potentially having a phenomenal relationship because you may scare the other away and/or gyp yourself of simply enjoying the company of something wonderful coming into your life (for however long he or she may be in it for).

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself. Don't get me wrong: don't stand for bullshit - but until there is any stay for as long as you feel comfortable, as long as you feel happy, and as long as you feel content.

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For those on the other end of the spectrum: the discussion of potential break up, time apart, the breaking up, the anger, the loss of identity, the shattered inner half, thought of things going sour - CHIN UP! CHIN UP! CHIN UP!! & Stay Calm! You cannot act too quickly and you cannot get irrational or lose your mind. Sit down and think about what is really going on with your situation. You should discuss how you're feeling with your partner, however don't pose anything as a break up unless you know for sure that's what you want. Words do make an impact on the other person, so choose them wisely. But if you want to try and make things work then make sure that is something that you state followed by what you feel needs to be worked on. Something to consider as well is that you didn't date him or her because you were on a whim (9/10 anyhow) and they were something worth sticking around for for a little while at least - therefore you don't want to just make a snap decision. By snap decision I mean a decision that wasn't well thought out.

If you feel things are ending and you have no control over them - you've both discussed things and are taking time to think about them - just relax. You cannot make your pieces fit together if they just don't fit together. And if they're going to fit, they will fit once you are able to find peace at mind and peace at heart. Calm down and work on yourself for a minute. FINALLY! you have a minute to love only yourself and give yourself what you feel you have been missing (and if you haven't been missing anything than some down time for yourself is never a bad thing anyway). By all means if you feel you have something to fight for, fight for it! You do not want to live with the "what if's" or "what could have beens" because you'll drive yourself crazy months down the line when you feel you've made a mistake. Maybe he or she doesn't know exactly how you feel (even if you think you've said it a billion times) and you just need to say it once more - DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT! It may be the last time you have to talk about it.

If you've just gotten out of a relationship and are feeling lost well, NEWS FLASH You are not any less of who you are without that person. Stay afloat and keep it together. Everything happens for a reason, we all hear that and we all say that but sometimes it's hard to believe it - I know. But there will be another. Keep yourself afloat with your friends, movies, writing, music, dancing, or whatever your busy habits may be. Of course you'll lose sleep and not feel as functional, but staying afloat and as happy as possible at a point in your life where happiness seems impossible is extremely important. You were beautiful before he or she entered your life, and watching them go isn't easy but who wants to pretend to be happy or be the only happy one involved? HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY is the key word here. You need to stay above it all. Pain is inevitable, but be above the pain. Keep yourself reminded of why you deserve to be happy (and deserve to have someone who is happy with you so you can feel happy with them; and who can make you happy and who you are happy with). Dealing with the anger or disappointments is frustrating, grueling and unappreciated - but it is reality unfortunately. You are certainly allowed to think whatever you wish to think, just be cautious of your actions.

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Keeping yourself afloat, whether you're trying to stay grounded while a new lover twirls your heart high into the mountains or you're reaching for a life raft to keep yourself from sinking you need to always, always (ALWAYS) keep in mind that you should always be your first priority in matters of the heart.

You are the only one who knows how to make yourself happy and there will be those who are able to keep you happy too, but at the end of the day you are the only judge as to how happy you want to be, need to be, and are.

Breaking Down Walls

Peeling away the layers of previous heartache, past disappointments, and lack of closures is exhilarating once it happens, but scary as hell in the process.

How does one go about taking down their walls? Well, first the feeling to establish between yourself and your partner is TRUST. If you feel you can't trust them then it's never going to happen. Similarly to someone who has all of your trust and betrays you, it takes a while to build that back up. However, when you're with someone new and you have a past that isn't as pretty as you would have liked it to have been you cannot, whatsoever, take your past with you to the present. I say that lightly though, because it is impossible to completely forget your past (especially a relationship that may have hurt you severely). It's okay to take your time and not open your heart up right away - however it is not okay to not keep that person informed as to what you are feeling ESPECIALLY IF THEY ASK. If you plan to see someone regularly there needs to be a form of openness between the both of you.

If you are finding it abnormally difficult to open up to someone then you should sit down and figure out if that is really what you want right now. Do you want a relationship? Do you want a hook-up buddy? A friends with benefits? Your actions will depend on your answers to that question. If you want a relationship and can't let your walls down due to a past relationship then maybe you should take more time to either a) learn how to communicate openly so you can do what you want to (hook up, date, see, etc.) or b) take a step back and spend some quality YOU time. There is more than one person involved in any type of sexual/emotional situation. You can't be selfish and just do what you want to do, it is unfair and will ultimately come back to bite you in the ass. Sure it's difficult to make a decision, you may feel pressured, or whatever your reason may be - but you're still not alone in that. If you're afraid to speak because you don't want to mess up what you have well, that's just too bad. It sucks when its hard sure, but think what it would be like if you were in their position. Don't be the reason why someone else gets jaded and needs to hold their walls up too long.

I say take your time, but what is too long? Too long is seeing someone consistently for 3+ months and not feeling open or able to let your walls down. Again, that is unfair to the person you are with. After a month someone can judge pretty fairly whether sticking around is worth it or not. If it's not and you're having doubts then you should call it either an open relationship or discuss the issues you have as to why you're not opening up and try to fix them. If you need to take two, do so. Be open about where you are, but sure - take it.

It is not easy to allow your emotions to flow freely after being so wounded and jaded by those in your past. But if you got over the first heartbreak, you've probably gotten over your second and there will be more after that. It seems hopeless at times, heart break takes so long to get over. If you can remember what it felt like to get over one, it'll be easier every time. Some hurt more than others, but the process to allow yourself to have your heart back and sew yourself/your emotions together is always the same. The biggest thing is learning to forgive those worth forgiving, forget those who deserve to be forgotten, and to find closure before doing anything. You deserve to be heard and to hear whatever is necessary to make that closure what it is. You may not be able to do so right away. Who wants to walk back into a fire or fall back into their tissue box? Take your time. Remember, it's your heart and will always be your heart no matter whom you give it to at the time.

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If you're the person who is head over heels and dealing with someone who you can tell won't let down their walls don't hesitate to say something. When I say don't hesitate I don't mean after a night of crazy sex you start hounding them about their feelings, but rather give it a few weeks (3-4) to feel things out yourself and then start bringing up the "Where do we go from here?" questions. In case there may be a severe reason behind why the person may not want to open up, you need to be gentle with the way you bring it up. First you should bring up how you feel, what they did to make you feel that way, and what you enjoy most about them. Then you can suggest that you're looking for what they have to say back to you and if they don't take the hint you could say, "What do you think?" in a sweet way. Most men and women take very well to an ego boost before they open up and feel comfortable trusting.

DON'T PUSH! If they don't want to open up yet give them a little more time. Truly this becomes a matter of tolerance. If you want to have someone who is more open then the person you're seeing you'll eventually decide it's not right for you and so forth. But there is no need to be asking your partner/potential partner how they feel 24/7 or expect them to just randomly come up with the answers you've been looking for. Patience is not a virtue everyone owns but it should be exercised heavily when it comes to this topic. You don't know their entire past, for if you did they would have opened up to you already. Bits and pieces do not count as letting a wall down, however it is a sign of progress. If that progress stays idle or is enough to keep you stringing along this, again, becomes a matter of tolerance. Some people can wait 6 months, a year, 2 years before they can't take it anymore. Don't lose yourself in the game of hope, though. Look out for the signs of true progression - the main signs would be a sense of closeness and willingness to make time to see each other.

Be patient, all good things come with time.

Passion, where fore art thou?

Do you stay or do you go? Where does YOUR passion lay?

Sometimes that is the hardest question to ask yourself; and an even harder one to answer. There are so many different areas of a relationship, of a connection with someone (some more vital than others), that need to be in line in order to function well. Some of those areas include: emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, views/opinions, parenting concerns, financial, etc. The majority, if not all, need to be pretty much aligned otherwise something may fall off balance and create a reason to break up...or at least question whether you want to break up or not...potentially several times (with maybe even weeks, months, or years in between those times).

One should take a lot of things into consideration before just ending something that used to seem "perfect." First and foremost, where's your passion? Some issues, trivial or not, can be handled or worked through as long as you both have a history of good communication or a plan to create that good communication. Does your passion lay with your heart, your emotional connection, your desire for love & companionship...or does your passion lay between their legs...or yours for that matter?

Truth is... your answer should be both. A solid combination of a healthy emotional state and a healthy sexual connection is what makes for a long-lasting relationship. If it is strongly one side or the other...and the half that isn't strong has issues then it's time to sit down and consider YOUR PERSONAL HAPPINESS. Relationships need passion, need a zest, need something that continuously create sparks in all aspects.

Typically questions of the future will come up and can be discussed, but you can't settle for second best. If your partner doesn't fulfill all areas - to the point where you don't discuss them, don't attempt to communicate nor really want to communicate, and think about what it would be to be without them/question why you're with them then you should really think about breaking up. Don't short yourself of PASSION! it is NOT just for the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship. For example, I know this one man who after marrying his wife sent her flowers every week because she loved them so much. Their sex life must have been wonderful, also, to be married for over 20+ years...Don't deny yourself happiness - it's the one time that it is okay to be truly selfish.

Speaking of honeymoon phases, once you're in love it should always be honeymoon phase. The getting to know each other and finding things in common is just the foundation, but you should always be feeling butterflies, or happy/content with your partner. Minor fights and things you work through don't take the love away, but if when back in a state of 'calm' you need to be that happy and content again.

Follow your heart, but also follow your passion. People have passions for all sorts of different things: recreational, professional, leisure, sex, other people.... and having passion, love, fulfillment, etc. is wonderful. Relationships are full of that too, or at least should be. Make your choices wisely, don't jump to conclusions, don't be impulsive or spiteful, don't overreact - but take your time (if you're thinking you're missing something...that there's something not quite right about your relationship) and mull it over a while. No one can make you happier than you can make yourself.

Heartbreak Reality Check

So many people come to me with stories of desperation over broken hearts and lack of understanding as to why their relationship ended. What people really want to hear is that they were right about everything, that all the issues were because of the other person, and that they are marvelous so that they can find closure and attempt to move on.

Reality is, though, that your heart is always yours. No matter whom you choose to date, label yours, define a monogamous relationship with, have sex with, etc - your heart is still your own. Many consider themselves halves that when with another person makes a whole. WRONG! It is better to be a whole and join with another whole so that the both of you can learn to be happy together and apart. When you close your eyes, you have you, yourself, and you. So if you don't know how to make yourself happy no one is going to be enough to please you. It is important to remind yourself what in life keeps you content and secure. It could be having a steady job, steady sex, friends, a favorite hang out spot, an interesting book, great food, and so forth. It is nice to be able to have things that make you happy that you can share with your partner, not need your partner for in order for that even to be happy. So many people lose themselves to their partner, and when they don't have them anymore it takes so much longer to build themselves back up again.

My theory on relationships is that there is NOT one right person for everyone, but a right person for moments in time. That moment can last a day, a year, a month or even a week. Environments and personalities are changing constantly. There is such a variety of people in the world that you are bound to click with more than just one. Even when in a relationship it's not that you don't click with other people and find them attractive, you're just not acting on it because you're with someone else. But that supports my theory in that there are so many people that could be so right for particular moments but that won't last for forever. Don't get wrapped up in finding THE RIGHT ONE, because there are too many to deem just one girl or guy as your absolute perfect match. Think about all the other relationships you've had: they all had pieces and parts that were fantastic...until time took hold and life shifted and you two were no longer as compatible as you had been. Just roll with it.

Instead of treating each person as a heart break, treat them as a lesson. From each person you learn more about yourself (what you like, don't like, need, don't need, desire, don't desire, and so forth) you learn about what you want and don't want in a partner, and you know how much you can tolerate or put up with. Being hopelessly in love with someone and having them leave you is certainly devastating. You may not understand why or how it could be so - but you don't need to wallow in order to get back up on your feet.

If you want to find closure and you feel you cannot do it on your own - simply write down a list of what it is you need to talk about in order to find that closure. Under no circumstances become a groveling case as to why you want your partner back. Once you've established what you need contact them in a way that doesn't come across overwhelming and be polite. Don't allow anger, hurt and frustration to take over your emotions. An email would be a good way to write a letter to that person explaining why you were hurt and what it is that you would like from them to achieve closure (because we all need closure, need to put an end to a chapter). If they don't respond at least you said how you felt and their lack of response will be [or should be] closure enough. If you want to carry on a conversation (but don't mind not being heard if they don't want to respond to you) I would suggest a text message saying, "I would like to find closure if you'd be kind enough to give me the time," or something to that effect. If you can handle potentially being ignored or forwarded to voicemail, then you can leave a message saying something similar to what you'd say in your text message. The biggest part of finding closure is accepting that you may not. Reaching out without response back is a form of closure as well, so long as you say all you need to [however you need to; as little or as much as you need to].

At the end of the day it is perfectly normal to feel upset when you lose someone (or something) that was extremely important to you. However, most times there isn't much that can be done about it. Crying for a few days may help release the pain - go for it! But don't let yourself get caught up in your pain. Each person has so much to offer as an individual, as a self-sustaining whole; you should take what you have and relish in it. Be happy for you, and when someone comes along that can work with all of what you've got then you've found yourself another moment! Heartbreak is devastating, but on as devastating as you allow it to be. You have the control - take it, stand up on your own two feet and walk with love for yourself. No one can love you more than you can love yourself.

Your heart, your feelings - keep yourself happy.

Who Needs Toys?

Toys can vary in sizes, uses, and preferences. But don't discriminate! They may not be for everyone but they can be useful. The qualm most people have with them comes from never having used them, never having seen them used, or plain lack of information. Tools/toys can actually enhance a sexual experience if used properly. DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT!

Dildo's are one of many toys that get overlooked and are deemed only for lesbian dykes. WRONG! A lot of women actually enjoy multiple stimulus so while their male or female partner is using that on them internally what's wrong with a little oral attached? They also make a great foreplay. For straight men - they don't always last as long as their female partner needs them to in order for the female to orgasm also. If they were to start with a dildo, or other internal device that can provide a similar feeling, and then finish with their own equipment there could be better pleasure for the both of them. A misconception about lesbians is why would they use dildos (or penis-looking tools/toys) when they're supposed to only like girls?The toy is NOT a penis, it's a toy; and stimulation is stimulation. Therefore, if a lesbian is to use a tool it does not mean they are bisexual or like men - it simply means they enjoy pleasure in that way. Gay men also, just because they have a penis doesn't mean they don't like toys. Giving a blow job and anal insertion may be just what your partner is looking for! There are multiple ways of cumming, just like there are multiple way to please. OH! Double-sided dildo's are also a beneficial toy. Double the pleasure, half the work!

Vibration, vibration! Whether it's a traditional vibrator, a rabbit, a clitoral stimulator, finger vibes or a cock ring - it all feels great! If you are one of the unfortunate people to have never touched one or owned one, I highly advise it. It is a wonderful addition to self pleasure as well as joint pleasure. Many people, specifically women, don't know how to make themselves cum. If you don't know, ladies, no one else will. You could encounter one of the most well-informed people ever, but it doesn't mean he or she can read minds. Learning what it feels like to cum the way you'd like to cum will ultimately lead to a better sex life. And who doesn't want that? Men should also invest, and not just in cock rings. Using a vibrator as a secondary stimulus to a regular hand job spices up the self pleasure, and also becomes something your partner can play with too! Don't overlook this toy!

Anal beads? Most people when I bring up this topic look at me with their eyes crossed. "It is an exit only region." Maybe I'm not talking to gay men enough!! Did you know that anal organs can be a way to orgasm too, especially if trying to obtain multiple pleasure? For those who can't take a dildo, a penis, or anything of that size and width I would suggest fingers or anal beads. Fingers are a great way to start off, especially if you're concerned with pain or anything, but anal beads provide a pleasure that is increasing versus steady. The balls increase in size though it is NOT necessary to take the whole strand. These are especially great for gay men that are just starting to explore themselves. They are not for everyone, sure, but they should at least be contemplated.

There are also more toys than just those that can be inserted. A blindfold is a great way to build anticipation. It can be used before or during and serves as one of the best toys around. There are all different types of blind folds too, addressing fetishes of all sorts. Perhaps you have an outfit you want to keep secret from you partner because you know it will rub him or her the right way - use a blind fold! Once it's taken off the anticipation will be at such great height it will be almost impossible to lose their attention. Handcuffs are also a great sex toy. They are available with different types of fabrics, furs, and colors! There are many ways and many places one could handcuff their partner and switch up the role of control. How about rope?! Don't be silly, this isn't typical rope. This has to be rope that is purchased in a sex shop/sex store because the material it is made with prevents rope burn. However, those who are masochists could use whatever they like - but for the rest of us I would suggest the specialized rope. Rope is also great for suspension. There are many wonderful books that teach the proper way to tie knots that allow for suspension, but one should invest in the proper things you'd need in order to suspend someone safely.

The key with all toys is safety. Make sure they're washed, sanitized, and used properly. Exploration is fantastic, but some things can cause damage...especially tying up, inserting, or binding any area that may be vital to that person's sex life (i.e. penis, balls, breasts, ass). DO YOUR RESEARCH! Although toys are not always needed to have an orgasm, they certainly help. They are not only a physical stimulator but they are also a mental stimulator. Explore your fantasies!! But most importantly do your research, do your research, do your research (did I mention research?) before you make any kind of purchase. Most toys are not returnable. If still packaged they may do an exchange for store credit, but avoiding that would be best.

Who needs toys? Anyone with an open mind. They are great for everyone, even for personal use. Who doesn't want an orgasm? No one. Unless you're A-Sexual of course...but then this blog wouldn't be for you ;c)

The Big "O"

Orgasms. Everyone wants one, but not everyone gets one. Why is it that not everyone feels they can get off? Unfortunately there is more than one answer to this.

Sometimes there is an intense pressure to cum. For example, if you are having sex with a person for the first time and want to keep their attention having an orgasm seems to be a wonderful outcome. It makes you feel great and your partner feel great. If you don't orgasm, perhaps you're afraid that you won't keep them, that you'll disappoint them, that they'll want to have less sex with you. WRONG! It is OKAY not to cum! Sex is more than just an orgasm, it is about the intimacy between the two people that are sharing it. Obviously with a one night stand it'll be disappointing - but you'd be faking it for it to be over with (seeing how it wasn't that good, haha). So my advice is to just relax and let things happen. It make take more than 20 minutes to achieve climax, and that is fine. The more you talk to your partner about how you like to be touched the easier cumming may be as well. Or if you feel your partner is pressuring you to cum too fast (and you lose concentration, etc.) then explain that to them. The majority of those involved in relationships want a two way street: to please and to be pleased. Don't get caught up in the moment of pressure, breathe and take a minute.

For others there may be psychological inhibitors that don't allow a person to concentrate or let go enough. Do you have a history of sexual abuse? Do you feel shy or intimidated? Were there any past relationships that influence your sex drive/sexual actions? Psychological issues can be addressed by oneself without a therapist if one is willing to do some hardcore self analysis. Write down different sexual encounters you've had and what within those encounters you felt comfortable with or don't feel comfortable with. Once you're ready to address your partner with what you feel the issue may be - you'll feel relieved, revived, and ready to enjoy sex again.

**The true key to an orgasm is patience**

For those who feel they can't provide adequate service: You can't just touch a vagina or a penis and think things will just happen by themselves. You need to read the person's body, ask what they like and don't like, and really listen when they moan or shift their position. Every body is different; everyone has different erogenous zones. Be sure to explore everything before giving up. Perhaps you're not good at something the other person wants, doesn't mean you can't learn.

For those who feel they need to fake it: Tell your partner what you want! Maybe you're so silent and stiff that reading any energy from you becomes impossible. You cannot expect your partner to be a mind reader! They may have had sex with many people before you, but it doesn't mean that they have a magic wand and can perform miracles. Don't be afraid to say something. Your biggest mistake will be faking it every time, because then your partner will think you like things you really don't and you'll never be satisfied.

YOU CAN GET OFF! Embrace what is necessary to achieve that orgasm. Achieve Climax!

Too Much Sex?

There is never such a thing as too much sex, with oneself or with a partner. Everyone has different sex drives; different libidos. There are those who want sex 24/7 and then there are those who are satisfied with a few times a month. Everyone is different, but different isn't wrong. One should never apologize for the amount of sex they like to have, nor should they limit that amount simply because they enjoy it often. For some, sex isn't that important in a relationship. They find the emotional connection to be enough stimulus to keep the relationship healthy and stable. For others, however, sex is not only an activity they enjoy but they feel it brings them closer with their partner.

If you're dating a person who doesn't want to have a lot of sex with you and is not willing to compromise you have to decide how important sex is. You can either stay, knowing that the amount of sex you typically have may not be met or go, knowing you can find someone who can match your sex drive (or more). All is a matter of tolerance; how much you can personally endure. If you have a partner that you want to have more sex with but they seem to not be on your page - bring them there. Talk about it. Mention how much you enjoy sex and its importance to you (granted, don't phrase it in a way that makes it seem like that is ALL you want). Sex isn't everything, but the amount of times you have it (or don't have it) vary from person to person and relationship to relationship. Who knows, maybe all "the one" is missing is the amount of sex you share and by bringing it up he or she may acknowledge your wishes and form a happy, healthy compromise with you. Scared they'll leave you? DON'T BE! If you're bringing the topic up, or are even thinking about it often enough where you've contemplated bringing it up it's obviously important enough to you where if they do leave you, you would have left them anyhow. It's a win - win situation.

Again, just because every one's sex drives are different (and hormone levels vary too) you are not responsible for apologizing for it. If you don't like having sex that much, you also are not responsible for apologizing. Everyone is different, no one person is created the same. There is someone out there that can match the level at which you stand. Stay true to what you feel, stay true to what you need, and don't be afraid to communicate.

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The only time this topic gets tricky is when guilt comes into play. You should never feel guilty for the amount of sex you have or the desire to have/not have sex. If you do start to feel guilty you need to reflect on what it is that is making you feel that way. Was it a past relationship? A past event? A fear? Really analyze your feelings and discuss them with someone you trust (even a therapist/hotline if need be).