Biggest Contribution to a Relationship

YOURSELF!!!

Knowing who you are and what you want is your true contribution to the relationship. Without that, it is hard to know what to fight for when things get rough or questionable. When two people enter a relationship, there is of course a sexual chemistry of sorts, but beyond that is the existence of who completely separate human beings whom choose to function in a unit as one. The functioning together is not always as easy as it seems. There are, in fact, quite a bit of outside contributing factors as well. More specifically, factors that you may not always have a say in. Such as, your partner may need to take a business trip for multiple weeks at a time, which may hinder your relationship with him or her, and you cannot control what they need to do for work [or what they need to do for their own personal growth as an independent, self-functioning energy on earth]. So then there would need to be communication about how to be a unit of one, but apart for periods of time. Therefore, if you are completely secure and knowing of what you want out of a partner (and out of yourself), you should be able to decide: a) if this is the type of relationship you can have (be happy in) and b) if the ability to problem solve is efficient or not efficient (further helping you decide if it is a functional relationship for you, or not).

From the beginning, even, when you first start to like someone and you are not exactly sure if they fit all of your criteria. Consider this:
Do you have criteria?
Do you know what you bring to the relationship?
Can you list the qualities you like about yourself (particularly when in relationships)?
What qualities about a partner would you like most?

KNOWING, and always being aware of, what you contribute saves you a whole lot of time.

Now, emotions are very tricky. So don't get me wrong in thinking that rationalizing every problematic situation you are in, that is romantically/sexually entangled, is a piece of cake. But you should most certainly try and understand/be clear with where you stand in regards to your morals, values, ideas for the future, enjoyable characteristics of yourself, needs & must haves, etc. All of what makes you, you. Because then, if someone whom you are seeing/dating/married to isn't fitting your criteria, you can speak to him or her about it and/or leave the situation if you feel it necessary. But you will feel more confident in your decisions.

If butting heads, having non-constructive conversations, feeling hurt and getting annoyed is a frequent occurrence, reevaluate the needs for yourself. We do, actually, have a relationship with ourselves. We are the only people who can take care of ourselves better than anyone because are with ourselves 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you are not happy you need to voice that. Yes, it may be easier to try and just let the problem sweep itself under a carpet so you don't have to face it until you trip over it later...but life is short already, isn't it? Why waste more time? You'll have to deal with it eventually. YOU hold the power to your voice; to releasing the thoughts in your head and heart. (Refer to blog about Mind Readers). As a present energy in the universe, standing up for yourself, loving yourself, and respecting yourself is essential. No one has the power to make you unhappy, for at any given time you can remove yourself from a situation (be it to another room to cool down or breaking up with him/her).

Whether you are trying to decide if you want to commit to someone, figuring out how to approach a problematic situation, contemplating leaving a relationship or taking time to be single & discover self - it is important to know that the biggest contribution you have to a relationship is YOURSELF! That takes knowing yourself, loving yourself, and actively being aware of what you contribute.

Priorities

Emotions and rationale when involved in an intimate relationship with another person become literally impossible to connect. The impulse a human feels when emotionally driven (whether sad, ecstatic, angry, scared, hopeless, hopeful, etc.) creates the ripple of words or actions, which effect the relationship.

Can you recall ever being upset with your partner and saying things you didn't mean to say? Can you recall wishing you had said or done something you didn't do or say? Can you recall ever saying, "this was perfect timing" or "I'm glad I hung in"?

Emotions can create so many different outcomes in a relationship that it is important to consider your priorities when feeling a bit jumbled. Trying to remember that taking a second to process incoming information from a confusing situation is difficult, BUT essential when attempting to make the most rationale decision possible. It is also difficult, yet essential, to remember not to be completely selfish when choosing what to do or say. This also pertains to other people around you, and how you affect them because of emotional distress.

If you are in a relationship where you feel that communication is not working and your emotional levels are similar to riding on a roller-coaster, you are in a relationship that is unhealthy. This does not mean that you need to pack your bags and run for the hills, or spark a huge fire and leave town - however, it does mean that you need to reevaluate your tactics on how to handle emotionally-fused impulses. Make sure that what you do and what you say will not leave you feeling regretful, nor hurt your partner. When communicating make your feelings known, consider what the other person has to say (which means you CANNOT listen defensively -- which further means you have to LISTEN and figure out your rebuttal once your partner is done), consider how that person may feel so that your delivery is as easily heard as possible, and stand your ground on what you feel is important.

If your relationship is affecting others, you'll need to prioritize. Yes, emotions and your partner are important aspects of your life. However, you need to consider a whole slew of factors when dealing with the effects in outside relationships. Support systems are important, so if those relationships are being jeopardized - decide which is most important at the time, but not everyone is meant to be a partner just like not everyone is meant to be a friend. If there is to be a loss, which is greater?

If you are in a relationship where you're not 100% satisfied, you need to prioritize what is important to you, how important it is to you, and how important it is to your partner. There is an ability to make compromises and sacrifices that are accommodating to both parties, which will heighten the level of satisfaction. It is impossible for a person to be 100% satisfied 24 hours 7 days a week, but it is possible for a person to know how to achieve that satisfaction: whether it be through communication, sacrifice, compromise or a general understanding to agree to disagree. If there is an undying urge for something to be satisfied, and you cannot figure out a way to feel satisfied enough to continue the relationship, then you should take you and your partner's feelings and part. It is not fair to stay with someone if you are unhappy, they will only be living in a false reality at that point.

If you feel your partner is highly reactive, and you are not, discussion of when you feel they are most often reactive and how you feel when they are would be appropriate. Bringing to attention something that is bothersome to you is prioritizing what you want to be feeling (or not be feeling). In addition, a helpful way to present your feelings, without making your partner feel as if their feelings are not priority, would be to state how much you care and adore him/her, then state the issue of being highly emotionally reactive (or whatever the issue is), provide an example of when it happened, describe how it affects you, and provide a potential solution to avoid situations of the like in the future.

****

Regardless of what kind of relationship you are dealing with: highly emotional, friendship disturbing, dissatisfying or satisfying, and so forth - PRIORITIZE! Prioritize your feelings, your partner's/friend's feelings, your needs, their needs, and the importance it all BEFORE reacting. You have to keep in mind that when emotions come into play, particularly ones that create urges of impulse within you, rationalizing is very difficult to do - but NECESSARY! Take your time; words and actions make a long-lasting impact.

You don't want to hurt yourself or be hurting. You don't want to hurt your partner or have your partner hurting. You don't want your support systems in jeopardy.

Prioritize. Make as well thought out of a decision (in words and actions) as possible. And always communicate!

Hope for the (Seemingly) Hopeless!

Emotions are ridiculously tricky. One second you know exactly what you're feeling, the next second you have no idea how you felt what you did before because now you feel an entirely different way (sometimes good, sometimes bad). So what are you supposed to do when you REALLY like someone and they show hopeful signs of exclusivity (or a change in the relationship that is mutually appeasing), but haven't yet?

There are several answers to this question depending upon the situation you are personally in.

Generally, it takes about one week to a month for relationships to form and become substantial. In that time frame a great deal is taking place. You are getting to know him or her on a much more personal level and engaging in activities what will continuously provide you with information. This information is used to process whether this person is worth your time. You will learn about his/her hobbies, pastimes, likes/dislikes, interests, philosophies, communication tactics, etc. The speed at which you learn this knowledge is based upon how much time you spend with him/her and how many questions either of you ask. From that point, prior to the formation of the relationship, you are either satisfied with the received information or not. However, just because you are pleased with the information does not mean that he or she feels the same way.

If you are satisfied with the information and want to proceed further but you are unsure that he/she feels the same way then you will need to ask. Regardless of your whether you are male or female, you still have feelings and the right to know what is going on. The only reason you'd be asking anyway is because you need to know whether or not to move ahead. Some people say knowing within a week is crazy, but it depends on how sure of yourself (and your wants/don't wants) you are. Either way, you have the ability to ask. Hopefully he or she will feel the same way, or at least express exactly how they are feeling so you are given an answer in which to make a further decision with.

If you are satisfied with the information, you've discussed it with your potential other, he or she lets you know they cannot give you everything you want but they can satisfy part of what you need, what are you supposed to do? Well, if they can only satisfy part of what you need are you actually, ACTUALLY satisfied with the information? Probably not. What keeps you? Emotional attachment. You most likely let your wall down even though you were aware of the circumstances. Do you hold out hope that the situation will change? You can only achieve change by discussing with him/her how you feel and what you'd like to see become different. If after that talk he/she still does not provide you with a fully satisfying outcome, it is up to you to pick up your heart and walk away.

At the moment things seem hopeless. You really like this person and want more. It is a completely normal happening and emotion to experience. But you don't have to continue on that way. Consider this: if the emotions you are feeling for/with this person cost you fatigue, heartache, devastation, self-questioning and/or sadness it most likely isn't something worth what you're paying for. There are others who can, will, and want to be everything you could ever need. If you're unhappy though, you're not giving yourself the justice you deserve. He/She could be a wonderful person, have admirable characteristics, create inspiration, or spark butterflies. But when you weigh out how often you experience those emotions versus how often you feel the others...is it worth the cost?

There is hope. It's sitting right in the palm of your hands. Communicate your feelings. Rationalize the communicated information. Weigh out the cost of your actions. And ALWAYS love yourself. You know you best. If it feels right, you'll still have the option later on to walk away if it ever feels wrong, so enjoy. If it feels wrong, you have the ability and option to do whatever necessary to get the information you need to make the best decision for you.

----

Further questions?

talksextalknow@gmail.com

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

Hey All -

I wanted to thank you for the support you've provided. The response to the posts, polls, and suggestions to what you wanted to hear has made it a pleasure to provide (hopefully positive) advice/solutions to your questions. Over the past year my topics have ranged from bedroom activities and sex toys to coping with a broken heart, with a variety of topics in between. This year I hope to provide just as much satisfaction as I did last year and then some!

Relationships are complicated things that often don't make sense 100% of the time. Twists, turns, and other factors happen, snarling the equilibrium of peace and harmony creating slight chaos or confusion - leaving us a little bit vulnerable...uncomfortable. Sometimes things are just seemingly difficult. I hope through what I write I am able to ease a few worries and open up a range of possibilities on how to cope, work with, address or perceive the current issues in your life.

To broaden the access to submit your suggestions I have created an email account. You are more than welcome to submit anything related to the topics that have been posted. This could include: comments, articles (or links to articles), questions, etc. :) Feel free to submit anonymously.

Email: talksextalknow@gmail.com

Again, thank you all for dedication and support. Can't wait to hear from you!

*Chrys