Breaking Down Walls

Peeling away the layers of previous heartache, past disappointments, and lack of closures is exhilarating once it happens, but scary as hell in the process.

How does one go about taking down their walls? Well, first the feeling to establish between yourself and your partner is TRUST. If you feel you can't trust them then it's never going to happen. Similarly to someone who has all of your trust and betrays you, it takes a while to build that back up. However, when you're with someone new and you have a past that isn't as pretty as you would have liked it to have been you cannot, whatsoever, take your past with you to the present. I say that lightly though, because it is impossible to completely forget your past (especially a relationship that may have hurt you severely). It's okay to take your time and not open your heart up right away - however it is not okay to not keep that person informed as to what you are feeling ESPECIALLY IF THEY ASK. If you plan to see someone regularly there needs to be a form of openness between the both of you.

If you are finding it abnormally difficult to open up to someone then you should sit down and figure out if that is really what you want right now. Do you want a relationship? Do you want a hook-up buddy? A friends with benefits? Your actions will depend on your answers to that question. If you want a relationship and can't let your walls down due to a past relationship then maybe you should take more time to either a) learn how to communicate openly so you can do what you want to (hook up, date, see, etc.) or b) take a step back and spend some quality YOU time. There is more than one person involved in any type of sexual/emotional situation. You can't be selfish and just do what you want to do, it is unfair and will ultimately come back to bite you in the ass. Sure it's difficult to make a decision, you may feel pressured, or whatever your reason may be - but you're still not alone in that. If you're afraid to speak because you don't want to mess up what you have well, that's just too bad. It sucks when its hard sure, but think what it would be like if you were in their position. Don't be the reason why someone else gets jaded and needs to hold their walls up too long.

I say take your time, but what is too long? Too long is seeing someone consistently for 3+ months and not feeling open or able to let your walls down. Again, that is unfair to the person you are with. After a month someone can judge pretty fairly whether sticking around is worth it or not. If it's not and you're having doubts then you should call it either an open relationship or discuss the issues you have as to why you're not opening up and try to fix them. If you need to take two, do so. Be open about where you are, but sure - take it.

It is not easy to allow your emotions to flow freely after being so wounded and jaded by those in your past. But if you got over the first heartbreak, you've probably gotten over your second and there will be more after that. It seems hopeless at times, heart break takes so long to get over. If you can remember what it felt like to get over one, it'll be easier every time. Some hurt more than others, but the process to allow yourself to have your heart back and sew yourself/your emotions together is always the same. The biggest thing is learning to forgive those worth forgiving, forget those who deserve to be forgotten, and to find closure before doing anything. You deserve to be heard and to hear whatever is necessary to make that closure what it is. You may not be able to do so right away. Who wants to walk back into a fire or fall back into their tissue box? Take your time. Remember, it's your heart and will always be your heart no matter whom you give it to at the time.

---

If you're the person who is head over heels and dealing with someone who you can tell won't let down their walls don't hesitate to say something. When I say don't hesitate I don't mean after a night of crazy sex you start hounding them about their feelings, but rather give it a few weeks (3-4) to feel things out yourself and then start bringing up the "Where do we go from here?" questions. In case there may be a severe reason behind why the person may not want to open up, you need to be gentle with the way you bring it up. First you should bring up how you feel, what they did to make you feel that way, and what you enjoy most about them. Then you can suggest that you're looking for what they have to say back to you and if they don't take the hint you could say, "What do you think?" in a sweet way. Most men and women take very well to an ego boost before they open up and feel comfortable trusting.

DON'T PUSH! If they don't want to open up yet give them a little more time. Truly this becomes a matter of tolerance. If you want to have someone who is more open then the person you're seeing you'll eventually decide it's not right for you and so forth. But there is no need to be asking your partner/potential partner how they feel 24/7 or expect them to just randomly come up with the answers you've been looking for. Patience is not a virtue everyone owns but it should be exercised heavily when it comes to this topic. You don't know their entire past, for if you did they would have opened up to you already. Bits and pieces do not count as letting a wall down, however it is a sign of progress. If that progress stays idle or is enough to keep you stringing along this, again, becomes a matter of tolerance. Some people can wait 6 months, a year, 2 years before they can't take it anymore. Don't lose yourself in the game of hope, though. Look out for the signs of true progression - the main signs would be a sense of closeness and willingness to make time to see each other.

Be patient, all good things come with time.