Remember Yourself!

Before you had your partner, who did you have? Before you found your "other half," who was the "first half"? Before you cared for your lover, who did you care for?

YOURSELF!

Although you may enter a relationship with someone, you must not forget the relationship with yourself. Your happiness, your ability to enjoy life, your willingness to give, to love, to care for HAS to include yourself. Significant others are a wonderful asset to life. They could even make you feel as if everything in your existence has greatened or given you a sense of completion. However, the only person who can really know what makes you happy and keeps you sane is yourself.

When there are issues between the two of you, or you have a particular issue with your partner - remember to consider what will make them happy AS WELL AS what will make you happy. The best love feels like selfless love, yes...but when selflessness costs you your happiness, remind yourself that you deserve to have reasons to smile, be joyful and positive. Sometimes people get caught up in their love for their other half that they forget that they also count. When I speak of happiness, I do not speak of temporary happiness nor moment to moment happiness. I speak of 95% of the time happiness. It is improbable to be happy all of the time, but you should be the majority of the time - at least with yourself.

If you are currently upset with your partner and you have something you need to get across to them, don't put it under the rug. You are upset. You may be hurting. You need to make sure you are heard. The only way for your partner to change, or decide they cannot change (and may need to leave the relationship) is to talk about it. Staying happy means you need to maintain happiness - both with your partner AND IN YOURSELF!! There is no need to go charging at him or her and demand a change, but it is certainly fair for you to express yourself.

If you feel you are not able to live to your full potential because of your significant other, you should re-evaluate your goals and your relationship. Weigh out what makes you happiest. The relationship with yourself is just as important as the one you wish to hold with someone you also consider to be important. Stay true to who you are also goes with being in a relationship. When you close your eyes all you have is you, yourself and you - so if you aren't living the life that would make you happiest if your significant other weren't "holding you back" then you need to figure out how to do that (whether that means staying with your partner or not).

Compromise is a great way to work through issues of unhappiness. Once your partner knows what the problem is, then he or she has the opportunity to work through it with you. State what it is that you're feeling, why it is you've been feeling this way, and a suggestion as to how to make things better. Even if he or she doesn't agree, they are at least aware of what kind of suggestion you are making and what you boundaries are on changing/compromising.

Space is a great way to maintain happiness. You can love to be with your significant other, but there are going to be days where your agenda only fits you. It is also really healthy to love yourself on your own. Taking space doesn't mean having to remain in solitude. Catching up with friends, visiting family, etc. also fit in with that. If you live with your significant other, it is still possible to take space throughout the day - or even staying at a friends house (if children aren't involved - and if they are, you'll have to work out a schedule). But nurturing yourself is just as important as nurturing your partner (as is nurturing your children).

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So state when you're unhappy, provide potential compromises, take healthy self-time and remember that as much as your other deserves to be happy - you deserve it too!

New Sparks? New Commitments?

After meeting someone new, who you've hit it off with exceptionally well, how long should it be before you become exclusive and titled? The answer to this really varies.

If you are someone who is completely single, as in has no emotional connectivity to a past lover, is stable in the heart and knows what they want then committing could happen anywhere from a few dates later to a few months/years later (depending on your dating style). I recommend being in this mind/heart state before choosing to commit because although you could be pretty positive that entering a committed relationship is in your best interest, you also have to consider the interest of your partner. It is unfair to them to be dating someone who isn't completely interested in only pursuing them if thats what he or she wants. However, once in a mind/heart state such as this, so long as the feelings are mutual - HAPPY DATING!

If you are someone who has recently gotten out of a relationship, still feel a little bruised and happened to find someone really awesome in your eyes my advice would be to take your time. Rushing a good thing never ends up beneficial. Besides, if what is going on between you and the new spark/person is going to last, it will last whether you have a title/exclusivity or not. Make sure that you feel you have closure with your past lover(s)/whomever you may not be completely settled with. It is very important to not have multiple doors open at the same time (unless you are into polyamory and so is the person you're talking to/seeing). The time frame for this could vary from several weeks to several months/years. This type of circumstance really varies from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. Basically, treat others as you want to be treated. Would you want someone dating you when they were still hooked on someone else? Probably not...and it probably wouldn't feel good either.

If you are someone who feels they have a HUGE wall up and are afraid to let someone in, ask yourself a few questions. How long have you been seeing this person? Has he or she done anything that would make you doubt a relationship with them? Do you feel extremely connected (emotionally, physically and mentally)? Do you feel you have good communication? Is trust felt and established? If you feel you haven't been given a reason to not pursue forward but are still afraid, you'll have to really think about the reasons why you are afraid. If you are going to have a successful relationship with this new person you will most certainly have to be open and communicative with the issues that are making you question your next move. Even if it's personal and you feel the other person doesn't need to know - they do need to know. You want to feel like you can trust them and you want to be respected - but if the person you're seeing doesn't know what you need in order to trust and in order to feel respected you can't be upset with them for not being able to read your mind. Also refer to my blog on how to break down your walls: http://talksexnow.blogspot.com/2010/01/breaking-down-walls.html

If you are someone who has been out of a relationship for a while but still feels damaged or jaded from it (but not emotionally connected to the past relationship/person), sometimes a new relationship/spark can do just the trick! Granted, you have to remember that the person who is your new spark isn't a trick, nor a toy to be messed with: he or she is human too, with feelings. However, if you are honest about what you're looking for and how committed you can or can't be - you should be fine. People who are damaged and/or jaded come by the dozen - it's almost impossible to not be affected in a personal/mental way from relationships. You do not want to be another tangle in their web, though, and so you need to make sure to be straightforward with your intentions (and ask the questions necessary to make sure they are also being straightforward with their intentions). If you two share a great connection, can be effectively communicative (in a way that allows you to feel trust and share openly) you are headed in a positive direction. I would advise waiting at least 2 weeks to a month before putting a title on this, though. You could choose to be sexually exclusive, but if you're still working on no longer being damaged/jaded - you should most certainly take your time.

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It is difficult to analyze what a new spark is and how to go about handling it. It is so easy to get carried away and not think clearly as to how you should proceed. First and foremost take into consideration the state you are currently in. It does, indeed, take two to tango and your head & heart need to be fully in the game (titles) before playing it. Obviously it is hoped that the other person has done the same - but it never hurts to ask questions if you are curious about where they stand.

Always remember that if something is good, it should be good with or without a title. Therefore rushing to title something isn't necessary, so take your time. Falling in love, most certainly, can happen in a matter of moments...and there isn't a title that goes over that feeling :) - so relax and enjoy yourself in whatever it is you have right now. Be open and communicative at all times, especially if you start to feel weary, upset, or confused about something.

The beginning of things can always seem like a joy ride - an extreme experience of euphoria. Be aware that feelings are involved, as you should know what yours are and what theirs are. It is not impossible to date someone after less than a week of knowing them, and if you are 110% certain that move would be best for you (and for them) then good luck!! Otherwise, waiting to make sure that the first week isn't simply a fantasy never hurt.

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Stay true to yourself, establish open communication, trust your instincts.