Heartbreak Reality Check

So many people come to me with stories of desperation over broken hearts and lack of understanding as to why their relationship ended. What people really want to hear is that they were right about everything, that all the issues were because of the other person, and that they are marvelous so that they can find closure and attempt to move on.

Reality is, though, that your heart is always yours. No matter whom you choose to date, label yours, define a monogamous relationship with, have sex with, etc - your heart is still your own. Many consider themselves halves that when with another person makes a whole. WRONG! It is better to be a whole and join with another whole so that the both of you can learn to be happy together and apart. When you close your eyes, you have you, yourself, and you. So if you don't know how to make yourself happy no one is going to be enough to please you. It is important to remind yourself what in life keeps you content and secure. It could be having a steady job, steady sex, friends, a favorite hang out spot, an interesting book, great food, and so forth. It is nice to be able to have things that make you happy that you can share with your partner, not need your partner for in order for that even to be happy. So many people lose themselves to their partner, and when they don't have them anymore it takes so much longer to build themselves back up again.

My theory on relationships is that there is NOT one right person for everyone, but a right person for moments in time. That moment can last a day, a year, a month or even a week. Environments and personalities are changing constantly. There is such a variety of people in the world that you are bound to click with more than just one. Even when in a relationship it's not that you don't click with other people and find them attractive, you're just not acting on it because you're with someone else. But that supports my theory in that there are so many people that could be so right for particular moments but that won't last for forever. Don't get wrapped up in finding THE RIGHT ONE, because there are too many to deem just one girl or guy as your absolute perfect match. Think about all the other relationships you've had: they all had pieces and parts that were fantastic...until time took hold and life shifted and you two were no longer as compatible as you had been. Just roll with it.

Instead of treating each person as a heart break, treat them as a lesson. From each person you learn more about yourself (what you like, don't like, need, don't need, desire, don't desire, and so forth) you learn about what you want and don't want in a partner, and you know how much you can tolerate or put up with. Being hopelessly in love with someone and having them leave you is certainly devastating. You may not understand why or how it could be so - but you don't need to wallow in order to get back up on your feet.

If you want to find closure and you feel you cannot do it on your own - simply write down a list of what it is you need to talk about in order to find that closure. Under no circumstances become a groveling case as to why you want your partner back. Once you've established what you need contact them in a way that doesn't come across overwhelming and be polite. Don't allow anger, hurt and frustration to take over your emotions. An email would be a good way to write a letter to that person explaining why you were hurt and what it is that you would like from them to achieve closure (because we all need closure, need to put an end to a chapter). If they don't respond at least you said how you felt and their lack of response will be [or should be] closure enough. If you want to carry on a conversation (but don't mind not being heard if they don't want to respond to you) I would suggest a text message saying, "I would like to find closure if you'd be kind enough to give me the time," or something to that effect. If you can handle potentially being ignored or forwarded to voicemail, then you can leave a message saying something similar to what you'd say in your text message. The biggest part of finding closure is accepting that you may not. Reaching out without response back is a form of closure as well, so long as you say all you need to [however you need to; as little or as much as you need to].

At the end of the day it is perfectly normal to feel upset when you lose someone (or something) that was extremely important to you. However, most times there isn't much that can be done about it. Crying for a few days may help release the pain - go for it! But don't let yourself get caught up in your pain. Each person has so much to offer as an individual, as a self-sustaining whole; you should take what you have and relish in it. Be happy for you, and when someone comes along that can work with all of what you've got then you've found yourself another moment! Heartbreak is devastating, but on as devastating as you allow it to be. You have the control - take it, stand up on your own two feet and walk with love for yourself. No one can love you more than you can love yourself.

Your heart, your feelings - keep yourself happy.