Hope for the (Seemingly) Hopeless!

Emotions are ridiculously tricky. One second you know exactly what you're feeling, the next second you have no idea how you felt what you did before because now you feel an entirely different way (sometimes good, sometimes bad). So what are you supposed to do when you REALLY like someone and they show hopeful signs of exclusivity (or a change in the relationship that is mutually appeasing), but haven't yet?

There are several answers to this question depending upon the situation you are personally in.

Generally, it takes about one week to a month for relationships to form and become substantial. In that time frame a great deal is taking place. You are getting to know him or her on a much more personal level and engaging in activities what will continuously provide you with information. This information is used to process whether this person is worth your time. You will learn about his/her hobbies, pastimes, likes/dislikes, interests, philosophies, communication tactics, etc. The speed at which you learn this knowledge is based upon how much time you spend with him/her and how many questions either of you ask. From that point, prior to the formation of the relationship, you are either satisfied with the received information or not. However, just because you are pleased with the information does not mean that he or she feels the same way.

If you are satisfied with the information and want to proceed further but you are unsure that he/she feels the same way then you will need to ask. Regardless of your whether you are male or female, you still have feelings and the right to know what is going on. The only reason you'd be asking anyway is because you need to know whether or not to move ahead. Some people say knowing within a week is crazy, but it depends on how sure of yourself (and your wants/don't wants) you are. Either way, you have the ability to ask. Hopefully he or she will feel the same way, or at least express exactly how they are feeling so you are given an answer in which to make a further decision with.

If you are satisfied with the information, you've discussed it with your potential other, he or she lets you know they cannot give you everything you want but they can satisfy part of what you need, what are you supposed to do? Well, if they can only satisfy part of what you need are you actually, ACTUALLY satisfied with the information? Probably not. What keeps you? Emotional attachment. You most likely let your wall down even though you were aware of the circumstances. Do you hold out hope that the situation will change? You can only achieve change by discussing with him/her how you feel and what you'd like to see become different. If after that talk he/she still does not provide you with a fully satisfying outcome, it is up to you to pick up your heart and walk away.

At the moment things seem hopeless. You really like this person and want more. It is a completely normal happening and emotion to experience. But you don't have to continue on that way. Consider this: if the emotions you are feeling for/with this person cost you fatigue, heartache, devastation, self-questioning and/or sadness it most likely isn't something worth what you're paying for. There are others who can, will, and want to be everything you could ever need. If you're unhappy though, you're not giving yourself the justice you deserve. He/She could be a wonderful person, have admirable characteristics, create inspiration, or spark butterflies. But when you weigh out how often you experience those emotions versus how often you feel the others...is it worth the cost?

There is hope. It's sitting right in the palm of your hands. Communicate your feelings. Rationalize the communicated information. Weigh out the cost of your actions. And ALWAYS love yourself. You know you best. If it feels right, you'll still have the option later on to walk away if it ever feels wrong, so enjoy. If it feels wrong, you have the ability and option to do whatever necessary to get the information you need to make the best decision for you.

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Further questions?

talksextalknow@gmail.com

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

Hey All -

I wanted to thank you for the support you've provided. The response to the posts, polls, and suggestions to what you wanted to hear has made it a pleasure to provide (hopefully positive) advice/solutions to your questions. Over the past year my topics have ranged from bedroom activities and sex toys to coping with a broken heart, with a variety of topics in between. This year I hope to provide just as much satisfaction as I did last year and then some!

Relationships are complicated things that often don't make sense 100% of the time. Twists, turns, and other factors happen, snarling the equilibrium of peace and harmony creating slight chaos or confusion - leaving us a little bit vulnerable...uncomfortable. Sometimes things are just seemingly difficult. I hope through what I write I am able to ease a few worries and open up a range of possibilities on how to cope, work with, address or perceive the current issues in your life.

To broaden the access to submit your suggestions I have created an email account. You are more than welcome to submit anything related to the topics that have been posted. This could include: comments, articles (or links to articles), questions, etc. :) Feel free to submit anonymously.

Email: talksextalknow@gmail.com

Again, thank you all for dedication and support. Can't wait to hear from you!

*Chrys

Remember Yourself!

Before you had your partner, who did you have? Before you found your "other half," who was the "first half"? Before you cared for your lover, who did you care for?

YOURSELF!

Although you may enter a relationship with someone, you must not forget the relationship with yourself. Your happiness, your ability to enjoy life, your willingness to give, to love, to care for HAS to include yourself. Significant others are a wonderful asset to life. They could even make you feel as if everything in your existence has greatened or given you a sense of completion. However, the only person who can really know what makes you happy and keeps you sane is yourself.

When there are issues between the two of you, or you have a particular issue with your partner - remember to consider what will make them happy AS WELL AS what will make you happy. The best love feels like selfless love, yes...but when selflessness costs you your happiness, remind yourself that you deserve to have reasons to smile, be joyful and positive. Sometimes people get caught up in their love for their other half that they forget that they also count. When I speak of happiness, I do not speak of temporary happiness nor moment to moment happiness. I speak of 95% of the time happiness. It is improbable to be happy all of the time, but you should be the majority of the time - at least with yourself.

If you are currently upset with your partner and you have something you need to get across to them, don't put it under the rug. You are upset. You may be hurting. You need to make sure you are heard. The only way for your partner to change, or decide they cannot change (and may need to leave the relationship) is to talk about it. Staying happy means you need to maintain happiness - both with your partner AND IN YOURSELF!! There is no need to go charging at him or her and demand a change, but it is certainly fair for you to express yourself.

If you feel you are not able to live to your full potential because of your significant other, you should re-evaluate your goals and your relationship. Weigh out what makes you happiest. The relationship with yourself is just as important as the one you wish to hold with someone you also consider to be important. Stay true to who you are also goes with being in a relationship. When you close your eyes all you have is you, yourself and you - so if you aren't living the life that would make you happiest if your significant other weren't "holding you back" then you need to figure out how to do that (whether that means staying with your partner or not).

Compromise is a great way to work through issues of unhappiness. Once your partner knows what the problem is, then he or she has the opportunity to work through it with you. State what it is that you're feeling, why it is you've been feeling this way, and a suggestion as to how to make things better. Even if he or she doesn't agree, they are at least aware of what kind of suggestion you are making and what you boundaries are on changing/compromising.

Space is a great way to maintain happiness. You can love to be with your significant other, but there are going to be days where your agenda only fits you. It is also really healthy to love yourself on your own. Taking space doesn't mean having to remain in solitude. Catching up with friends, visiting family, etc. also fit in with that. If you live with your significant other, it is still possible to take space throughout the day - or even staying at a friends house (if children aren't involved - and if they are, you'll have to work out a schedule). But nurturing yourself is just as important as nurturing your partner (as is nurturing your children).

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So state when you're unhappy, provide potential compromises, take healthy self-time and remember that as much as your other deserves to be happy - you deserve it too!

New Sparks? New Commitments?

After meeting someone new, who you've hit it off with exceptionally well, how long should it be before you become exclusive and titled? The answer to this really varies.

If you are someone who is completely single, as in has no emotional connectivity to a past lover, is stable in the heart and knows what they want then committing could happen anywhere from a few dates later to a few months/years later (depending on your dating style). I recommend being in this mind/heart state before choosing to commit because although you could be pretty positive that entering a committed relationship is in your best interest, you also have to consider the interest of your partner. It is unfair to them to be dating someone who isn't completely interested in only pursuing them if thats what he or she wants. However, once in a mind/heart state such as this, so long as the feelings are mutual - HAPPY DATING!

If you are someone who has recently gotten out of a relationship, still feel a little bruised and happened to find someone really awesome in your eyes my advice would be to take your time. Rushing a good thing never ends up beneficial. Besides, if what is going on between you and the new spark/person is going to last, it will last whether you have a title/exclusivity or not. Make sure that you feel you have closure with your past lover(s)/whomever you may not be completely settled with. It is very important to not have multiple doors open at the same time (unless you are into polyamory and so is the person you're talking to/seeing). The time frame for this could vary from several weeks to several months/years. This type of circumstance really varies from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. Basically, treat others as you want to be treated. Would you want someone dating you when they were still hooked on someone else? Probably not...and it probably wouldn't feel good either.

If you are someone who feels they have a HUGE wall up and are afraid to let someone in, ask yourself a few questions. How long have you been seeing this person? Has he or she done anything that would make you doubt a relationship with them? Do you feel extremely connected (emotionally, physically and mentally)? Do you feel you have good communication? Is trust felt and established? If you feel you haven't been given a reason to not pursue forward but are still afraid, you'll have to really think about the reasons why you are afraid. If you are going to have a successful relationship with this new person you will most certainly have to be open and communicative with the issues that are making you question your next move. Even if it's personal and you feel the other person doesn't need to know - they do need to know. You want to feel like you can trust them and you want to be respected - but if the person you're seeing doesn't know what you need in order to trust and in order to feel respected you can't be upset with them for not being able to read your mind. Also refer to my blog on how to break down your walls: http://talksexnow.blogspot.com/2010/01/breaking-down-walls.html

If you are someone who has been out of a relationship for a while but still feels damaged or jaded from it (but not emotionally connected to the past relationship/person), sometimes a new relationship/spark can do just the trick! Granted, you have to remember that the person who is your new spark isn't a trick, nor a toy to be messed with: he or she is human too, with feelings. However, if you are honest about what you're looking for and how committed you can or can't be - you should be fine. People who are damaged and/or jaded come by the dozen - it's almost impossible to not be affected in a personal/mental way from relationships. You do not want to be another tangle in their web, though, and so you need to make sure to be straightforward with your intentions (and ask the questions necessary to make sure they are also being straightforward with their intentions). If you two share a great connection, can be effectively communicative (in a way that allows you to feel trust and share openly) you are headed in a positive direction. I would advise waiting at least 2 weeks to a month before putting a title on this, though. You could choose to be sexually exclusive, but if you're still working on no longer being damaged/jaded - you should most certainly take your time.

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It is difficult to analyze what a new spark is and how to go about handling it. It is so easy to get carried away and not think clearly as to how you should proceed. First and foremost take into consideration the state you are currently in. It does, indeed, take two to tango and your head & heart need to be fully in the game (titles) before playing it. Obviously it is hoped that the other person has done the same - but it never hurts to ask questions if you are curious about where they stand.

Always remember that if something is good, it should be good with or without a title. Therefore rushing to title something isn't necessary, so take your time. Falling in love, most certainly, can happen in a matter of moments...and there isn't a title that goes over that feeling :) - so relax and enjoy yourself in whatever it is you have right now. Be open and communicative at all times, especially if you start to feel weary, upset, or confused about something.

The beginning of things can always seem like a joy ride - an extreme experience of euphoria. Be aware that feelings are involved, as you should know what yours are and what theirs are. It is not impossible to date someone after less than a week of knowing them, and if you are 110% certain that move would be best for you (and for them) then good luck!! Otherwise, waiting to make sure that the first week isn't simply a fantasy never hurt.

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Stay true to yourself, establish open communication, trust your instincts.

Hello, Mind Readers!

Hey there! Guess what? There aren't any of you! And if there are, there aren't enough of you for everyone else to date...

I bring this up because many of us, when caught up in love or lust or interest in another person, we somehow forget to remember that they can't read our minds (new relationships to long-term relationships). Oh, or what we meant by the tone of our voice or how we spoke period...or didn't speak on purpose. Then sometimes we get hurt or confused over what's going on. Well, you're in luck, I've found the solution!!

COMMUNICATION!!!

Let's say you're in a fight with the person you're seeing. You may be mad, or sad, or done with him/her, or sorry or indifferent. But if you don't state what you're feeling then s/he will never know. Your partner most likely doesn't know how to gauge what to do with what's not said, especially if you want something specific.

Say you want something in particular: birthday present, groceries, the laundry done, the child bathed, a meal cooked, etc. it's really not that difficult to say, "Honey, could you please...." Brain waves and internal thoughts can't travel person to person. However, this tactic of communicating doesn't guarantee your partner's answer to be "yes" all the time. Nor does it mean that s/he will forgive you, or also be angry, sad, upset, done or indifferent. Perhaps they're not an effective communicator.

It does guarantee, though, that your skills as a communicator will be empowered and more effective each time you use them. It would be great if/for your partner learned the skills also. By being as clear as you can be with your partner, you can resolve issues much faster and with greater ease. It isn't fair to expect them to be able to read your mind. Can you read theirs?

Additionally, you're doing yourself an injustice. Why would you want to stay in a state of unhappiness? The beginning steps to working through things/working toward happiness is by talking about issues, concerns, wants, desires, outlooks and so forth. Dont' be afraid to speak! Certainly shouting/yelling/raised voices nor reluctantly agreeing to everything is not the communication I speak of, but rather open, honest (equal share of talking and listening) and truthful communication is what you're aiming for.

If your partner pushes you to talk, when you need more time before you're ready, it's definitely okay to say: "I know you're ready to talk now but I need a little more time. Can we try later (or whenever the earliest time you can is)?" That way you're not brushing your partner off, you're letting them now you care but need a little longer before you are able to talk. If you're ready before your partner and they seem unable to open up, ask if they need time. Once you know how to be an effective communicator remember that your partner may not be and you should consider that when choosing what to say/how to react.

COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!

Take your time, don't speak when upset, but don't be afraid to speak about how you feel. Most people who want a relationship to work are open to discussing issues to work toward a happy future. There aren't enough mind reader's for everyone, so here's another way to still be content :)

Happy Loving!

Don't Run from Distance!

What do you know - long distance relationships can work!

Don't doubt yourself too quickly if you find yourself dealing with a potential, or actual, long distance relationship situation - you could be strong enough. A lot of what breaks long distance relationships apart is the inability to trust from one side and then the inability to deal with insecurities on the other side. But if you two communicate with each other there is hope!

The formula to a successful long distance relationship is = mutual [open] communication + agreed upon circumstances, boundaries, and expectations + trust.

This can certainly be a challenge and thought of negatively before explored properly. It is difficult to have a relationship where you barely see your partner and your primary way of expressing feelings for one another is through written or verbal communication, but distance can make the heart grow fonder. This type of relationship isn't for everyone; some people need constant physical love and affection. However, for the right individual: one who knows how to communicate, trust and remain faithful to their promises/agreements this could be a healthy, happy, loving situation.

A relationship, long distance or not, is going to be hard work. Each person much be honest with each other, instill trust within one another, and trust themselves to stick to their word. Regardless of distance, without each of you being on mutual grounds there will always be a potential chance for failure. So just work at it. Just communicate. It is difficult, but not impossible.

If you are in one currently and want out all you have to do is say so. Or if you are in one and you want physical company while your partner is away, express that. You cannot be unhappy and you must be fair to him or her. I shouldn't have to say this, but be respectful and compassionate when breaking the news. It's never a good time for bad news, yes, but it is very important that the let down be easy and empathetic. More importantly, if your agreement with your partner is one of monogamy but you want polygamy and he or she doesn't agree - cheating is not the answer. Again, I'd like to highlight communication: if you want what they don't want - you either come to an agreement or respect the other enough to walk away.

If you love him or her, though, than anything can work out. Unless you know for a fact that the distance is going to be too much, don't run away from it. You could be missing out on something that's not worth missing out on. Be positive and stay open, that's what the relationship game is all about! It's not as if you won't see that person ever, you'll just simply have to be more strategic about when you do.

Know yourself, don't give more than what you can, and be honest about how you feel.

Friendship by day, Sex partner by night

Friends with benefits. Yes, they do exist! And yes, they can be healthy if approached right.

As humans we all feed off of human touch, contact and conversation. Therefore it is natural to have friends with whom we can engage in amazing conversation with but also have that sexual release with (without strings, jealousy or extra complications). This release doesn't always have to be sex, but it can be flirtation, physical touching/caressing, a cuddle buddy, etc. Benefits has a lot of meanings, so be sure to discuss with your partner what it is you want out of that relationship. Not everyone has a friend with whom they can have benefits with, for it is not necessary; but it is normal for the general population.

Approaching this type of situation with caution would be my advice to anyone and everyone who potentially wants to get involved in a relationship of this nature. For just as we all have needs for conversation and sexual pleasure, we do have emotions too. Emotions can get tied into it if one party gets attached. This doesn't happen all the time, but if it does a friendship will typically be ruined and a heart may be broken. They seem much simpler than they actually are.

When getting into these situations one should:

- discuss fully with the other person their intent before initiating anything!!!

- discuss boundaries, limits and restrictions

- keep each other well informed of where their emotions are (for although one may think they can keep their emotions under control they may be thinking that they are getting passed signals by their "friends with benefits partner" that mean more than what they actually do)

If you follow the guidelines above I feel you'll have a better turn out if you choose to engage in such activity. KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS IN CHECK!

A check list for if you may be feeling anything too emotional:

- jealousy

- anger

- resentment

- too high of expectations/unrealistic expectations (e.g. all of their time & attention)

- confusion about the future (for there shouldn't be any future but the present as each present day happens [until it doesn't anymore])

A friendship by day and sex partner by night could be one of the greatest experiences of your life. You don't have anyone that you're committed to, no one to answer to, you can live your own life but have that release when necessary, it's at your own convenience (and theirs), ability to have more than one friend with benefits, etc. If done properly it could reduce a lot of stress in your life (if of course this is something you want at the time).

Always heed with caution: emotions are tricky suckers... but if you keep communication OPEN and FLOWING you shouldn't run into many problems

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If you are planning on ending a friends with benefits situation you DO need to take emotions into consideration. Although both of you should have kept your emotions in check it isn't about whether someone has fallen for you or not, but about who they are individually. You need, need, NEED to give thought to your friends' feelings for you don't want them to think that you're ending it based on dissatisfaction with who they are as a person...especially if you want to continue a friendship with them.

Let them know where you're coming from, why it is you don't want to be involved in that way anymore, as well as all of the positive qualities you found in them and why you wish to keep them as your friend. Saying things in a positive way can be extremely beneficial for all relationships (friendships, friends with benefits, boyfriends/girlfriends) so it should ensure your ability to maintain that friendship after the extra benefits are taken away.

If you wish not to be their friend and to lose all contact you DO NOT have to be mean about it. They are still people; still humans with real emotions and feelings. You should be kind and compassionate and let them know exactly why you cannot remain friends. Positivity begets positivity; you don't want bad karma in your life. Treat others as you wish to be treated, please and thank you.

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Enjoy every aspect of each other, with caution, kindness and humanity. Watch out for your emotions. And RESPECT each other.