Don't Run from Distance!

What do you know - long distance relationships can work!

Don't doubt yourself too quickly if you find yourself dealing with a potential, or actual, long distance relationship situation - you could be strong enough. A lot of what breaks long distance relationships apart is the inability to trust from one side and then the inability to deal with insecurities on the other side. But if you two communicate with each other there is hope!

The formula to a successful long distance relationship is = mutual [open] communication + agreed upon circumstances, boundaries, and expectations + trust.

This can certainly be a challenge and thought of negatively before explored properly. It is difficult to have a relationship where you barely see your partner and your primary way of expressing feelings for one another is through written or verbal communication, but distance can make the heart grow fonder. This type of relationship isn't for everyone; some people need constant physical love and affection. However, for the right individual: one who knows how to communicate, trust and remain faithful to their promises/agreements this could be a healthy, happy, loving situation.

A relationship, long distance or not, is going to be hard work. Each person much be honest with each other, instill trust within one another, and trust themselves to stick to their word. Regardless of distance, without each of you being on mutual grounds there will always be a potential chance for failure. So just work at it. Just communicate. It is difficult, but not impossible.

If you are in one currently and want out all you have to do is say so. Or if you are in one and you want physical company while your partner is away, express that. You cannot be unhappy and you must be fair to him or her. I shouldn't have to say this, but be respectful and compassionate when breaking the news. It's never a good time for bad news, yes, but it is very important that the let down be easy and empathetic. More importantly, if your agreement with your partner is one of monogamy but you want polygamy and he or she doesn't agree - cheating is not the answer. Again, I'd like to highlight communication: if you want what they don't want - you either come to an agreement or respect the other enough to walk away.

If you love him or her, though, than anything can work out. Unless you know for a fact that the distance is going to be too much, don't run away from it. You could be missing out on something that's not worth missing out on. Be positive and stay open, that's what the relationship game is all about! It's not as if you won't see that person ever, you'll just simply have to be more strategic about when you do.

Know yourself, don't give more than what you can, and be honest about how you feel.

Friendship by day, Sex partner by night

Friends with benefits. Yes, they do exist! And yes, they can be healthy if approached right.

As humans we all feed off of human touch, contact and conversation. Therefore it is natural to have friends with whom we can engage in amazing conversation with but also have that sexual release with (without strings, jealousy or extra complications). This release doesn't always have to be sex, but it can be flirtation, physical touching/caressing, a cuddle buddy, etc. Benefits has a lot of meanings, so be sure to discuss with your partner what it is you want out of that relationship. Not everyone has a friend with whom they can have benefits with, for it is not necessary; but it is normal for the general population.

Approaching this type of situation with caution would be my advice to anyone and everyone who potentially wants to get involved in a relationship of this nature. For just as we all have needs for conversation and sexual pleasure, we do have emotions too. Emotions can get tied into it if one party gets attached. This doesn't happen all the time, but if it does a friendship will typically be ruined and a heart may be broken. They seem much simpler than they actually are.

When getting into these situations one should:

- discuss fully with the other person their intent before initiating anything!!!

- discuss boundaries, limits and restrictions

- keep each other well informed of where their emotions are (for although one may think they can keep their emotions under control they may be thinking that they are getting passed signals by their "friends with benefits partner" that mean more than what they actually do)

If you follow the guidelines above I feel you'll have a better turn out if you choose to engage in such activity. KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS IN CHECK!

A check list for if you may be feeling anything too emotional:

- jealousy

- anger

- resentment

- too high of expectations/unrealistic expectations (e.g. all of their time & attention)

- confusion about the future (for there shouldn't be any future but the present as each present day happens [until it doesn't anymore])

A friendship by day and sex partner by night could be one of the greatest experiences of your life. You don't have anyone that you're committed to, no one to answer to, you can live your own life but have that release when necessary, it's at your own convenience (and theirs), ability to have more than one friend with benefits, etc. If done properly it could reduce a lot of stress in your life (if of course this is something you want at the time).

Always heed with caution: emotions are tricky suckers... but if you keep communication OPEN and FLOWING you shouldn't run into many problems

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If you are planning on ending a friends with benefits situation you DO need to take emotions into consideration. Although both of you should have kept your emotions in check it isn't about whether someone has fallen for you or not, but about who they are individually. You need, need, NEED to give thought to your friends' feelings for you don't want them to think that you're ending it based on dissatisfaction with who they are as a person...especially if you want to continue a friendship with them.

Let them know where you're coming from, why it is you don't want to be involved in that way anymore, as well as all of the positive qualities you found in them and why you wish to keep them as your friend. Saying things in a positive way can be extremely beneficial for all relationships (friendships, friends with benefits, boyfriends/girlfriends) so it should ensure your ability to maintain that friendship after the extra benefits are taken away.

If you wish not to be their friend and to lose all contact you DO NOT have to be mean about it. They are still people; still humans with real emotions and feelings. You should be kind and compassionate and let them know exactly why you cannot remain friends. Positivity begets positivity; you don't want bad karma in your life. Treat others as you wish to be treated, please and thank you.

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Enjoy every aspect of each other, with caution, kindness and humanity. Watch out for your emotions. And RESPECT each other.

Honey, I'm Home!

Before you move in with someone there are several things you should think about, several things you should discuss, and several things to consider before making the leap.

First and foremost: how long have you been with that person? Personally I don't like to write a particular number of months or years in stone with this topic, for it's different with everyone. However, I would suggest at least 6 months of dating before considering this big step. It changes quite a lot about the dynamic of the relationship. After 6 months you've gotten over the initial "la-la" land of feeling in love and have (hopefully) formed a functional, independent, self-reliant, trust worthy relationship. Those aspects are extremely important to have aligned before merging you and your partners worlds.

Your habits are different from your partners'. No matter whom you compare yourself too, your habits will always be different. You need to think about how often you clean, what you're willing to clean, how often you do laundry, if you tend to pay bills on time or not, what your personal budget is (for it'll be shared once you move in), what is your schedule/when is your free time, are you a morning person or night person, etc. You may be reading this thinking I'm crazy and that if you've been able to function with that person just fine moving in shouldn't be that big of a deal, but everything you do on your own will become compromised because you'll have a lover in your space. It's different than living with a friend for you'd have your own room to retreat to; in this situation you and your partner will be sharing a bed. So it's very important to analyze what it is that you do on your own so you can better compromise when you do move in.

After figuring yourself out you should discuss your partner's habits with them. They may have differences that are best discussed and worked on prior to moving in to see if moving in is even right at this moment. Some people don't mind washing the dishes every night - if they had the time. So while they don't have the time, or you don't have the time, they pile up in the sink and someone's tolerance needs to break. If it's you not cleaning up enough because you are just too busy to attend to it as often as your partner would need you to, or vice versa then that'll be something you'll have to work out. Maybe all you'll need to do is buy a dishwasher ;c)! There may be easy solutions, there may not - but it's much easier to discuss it all ahead of time before being hit on the head once a lease or mortgage is signed.

Have you lived with someone before? Did it work or not work? What were the pluses and what were the minuses? Anything you thought would have been better if you changed someone/discussed something? Anything you wish were different? Those are all important questions to consider as well. Having past experiences (positive or negative) will help for the past is always connected to the future.

The biggest killer in relationships, especially ones where you move in with your partner: FINANCES! You now have to discuss who is going to pay what, how much of your money goes toward something versus how much of your partner's money will go toward something, who is buying what to furnish the place, what of yours (and theirs) will need to be gotten rid of prior to moving in - for when living with someone you need to compromise as to how much of each person's things are really necessary, etc.

You should always talk about your finances - where you stand and where you're going. It's also a good idea to keep a documented record of all of the big purchases you've made on your own while living with that person (in addition to the big-purchased items that you'll be bringing into your new space). However, keep all of your personal finances personal. Do not let your partner dictate that; it's your bank account, your wallet. If you don't keep a documented record of everything that is yours, however, you'll leave yourself extremely vulnerable to losing everything if all does fall through in the end. Make sure both names are on the lease and that you and your partner have some type of written agreement. Relationships whose partners are equally interested in living together and making things work don't find this document to be a problem - just an FYI. Just make sure you keep your finances straight for they really are one of the roots to a failing relationship and potential bankruptcy.

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If you two have been fighting and you feel that by moving in together you'll eliminate that: WRONG! Moving in together, in fact, will complicate things further - not work them out. You need to feel completely comfortable with your partner, in all aspects, and not have an ounce of doubt. Living together may fix your desire to sleep together every night, but more goes into it than just that. You will now be within one another's space 24/7 - sharing everything. All questions, doubts, reconsiderations, and considerations need to be worked out before you two mesh your lives together. If things are not working out, figuring out a way to make them work out is a better solution than signing something you'll be stuck to.

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Moving in with someone could be an amazing experience. You two could have everything lined up and be able to work through things, mesh with things, and collaborate on things and have it work out beautifully! I know I have probably made it seem more complicated than it is - but everything has potential. Make sure you enter it with happy spirits and complete confidence that this is what you want. If you're not completely sure but want to test it (and everything looks like it's a go) find a place that you don't have to sign a full year's lease...maybe a place that goes month by month so if something does happen you'll have less of a penalty to pay.

Also, always have a back up plan. This goes for anyone moving anywhere really; it's best to have a place to go or a place you know you can turn to if things don't work out as expected. Things could look really good right now and be a mess within a week. Time does this funny thing to us called: unpredictability. If everything works out - awesome! If not, you're safe either way!

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This could make or break a relationship, so be smart with your decisions! Discuss everything, and keep your communication open & flowing!

Online Beginnings!

Don't knock it till you try it! Love is not an easy find.

Online dating has become one of the best devices for meeting a potential partner! Many people get discouraged by thinking that the person on the other side may not be who they say they are, but if you are truly looking for love (or for someone) this is a route I would highly recommend! You have the opportunity to spend less time going on dates with people you barely know and more time to get to know more than one person to see who may be right for you.

The benefits of being able to converse through email are:

- feeling less inhibited by social settings

- stronger ability to speak more openly/less shy

- saving money on a cocktail or food

- FREE

- no stress over when to answer or when not to answer

- pictures are available more often than not

- most phones allow your emails to be sent to them; highly convenient

Skeptics say that one should meet their mate in "real life" but who has time for that anymore? Nobody has the perfect job where they get paid well and can find love all in the same location. And who wants to go to a bar to find their partner? Other social settings such as volunteer work, school organizations, PTA meetings, etc. don't allot for enough socializing to really connect with someone well enough...that could even take months of attendance. Of course love (or lust for that matter) should never be rushed but a step in a more forward direction never hurt anyone.

A lot of dating websites are free, at least to sign up for them. This means that you have the chance to browse without having to put down cash. This also means that you are not obligated to put up any information of yours just yet. Even if you choose to stay with the 'free features,' put up pictures of yourself along with other information people can still contact you. Your response to them is free of charge! We all love free things :)

If this is something you've been curious about now is the time to try it!

If you are a skeptic who is afraid of meeting someone who isn't who they say they are, my advice to you is to thoroughly do your research! You certainly don't need to acquire their social security number for verification, but I would listen to your gut. Ask questions that are personal, make a note of them, and then reference them later on throughout the conversation. Most times you'll be able to catch them in their lie and then know whether it's a good idea to continue talking. If you feel everything is on par and he or she is someone you'd like to meet up with: MEET UP IN A PUBLIC PLACE! Find somewhere that is very busy; it's not like you both have to stay there once you've met up (especially if that person is indeed who you had been waiting for) but by doing that you both can feel secure in knowing that you both are who you say you are.

I'm not saying that everyone should find the love of their life on the internet, but I am saying that the internet has opened up an incredible opportunity to meet new people and not have to spend a meal or a drink every single time. There are plenty of fish in the sea, yes, but not every fish is the right fish so why bother surfing through a bar full of them (wasting your breath and energy) when you could browse online, read profiles, and spend your energy more wisely?

Dating websites I would recommend would be:

Eharmony.com

Match.com

Singlesnet.com

Tangowire.com

OkCupid.com

Spark.com

Loveaccess.com

Plentyoffish.com

There are tons more too, but those are ones I would start off browsing through. Look for deals if you are planning on joining any site in which you are willing to put cash into it. Check to see what their free features are versus their paid features to see if it is worth it/which site is worth paying for (if that is even something you want to do). Most certainly check out the free features. Some websites allow free chat, free initial contact, free browsing, etc.

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DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF! This may not be your first line of action when looking for a partner, and it obviously doesn't have to be your only action, but it is an option you should FULLY explore.

Feeling Good is Worth It.

Love is not and wont ever be rational.

Caring deeply for people can make you do things that you never thought you'd do before, react like you never thought you'd react before, and think like you never thought you'd think before. It makes us open up our emotions to a level of such vulnerability...and while vulnerable, we are also weak. This certainly isn't a bad thing, though.

It is absolutely okay to feel. We are all afraid of stepping in too deep and potentially getting shipwrecked, but the feelings that come with love, with being in love, is one of the greatest feelings known to human kind (and in my opinion: even better than an orgasm most times). It is also okay to fall first. There is no rhyme or reason as to how fast one can or can't fall. We all come from different relationship backgrounds where just as one could be so hurt they can't open up, one can be so ready and moved on from their past they can open up sooner. Even if the two of you don't work out, you would have shared something extremely incredible, both together and for yourself. Life doesn't always allot for relationships to exist for "forever," but it certainly does present us with the ability to love if given reason enough to.

By putting ourselves out there we are also risking getting hurt, yes. Jealousy doesn't come from a negative intention, though! It means that there are emotions involved, feelings opened up and a little bit of hurting going on. What we do when jealous or upset is act out. Not always for the better, but there is most definitely a reaction. You do control your actions, though. It doesn't take much to hurt someone when they like you, especially when them liking you is something you're aware of. So when someone acts out, specifically negatively, you have all right to be hurt but should also take into consideration what made him or her act that way. Part of love is also forgiveness, and the willing to work together to move forward.

Emotions are a tender thing: so easily bruised but not so easily healed. Love will never be rational, no matter how hard you try to make it be. When hurt, frustrated or angry while in love, caring or loving someone - our first instinct is to protect ourselves. It doesn't feel good to hurt, to feeling bruised - to feel vulnerable, so we don't always pick the best way to react.

If you have a partner that you feel is always overreacting or being hypersensitive to things then you need to discuss with them that a) it's something that's bothering you and b) figure out what it is they need so they won't react like that anymore. If the discussion between the both of you brings about a positive change and something you feel will work then go for it; if it is something you don't think you can handle or would rather not handle then be honest and tell him or her that.

If you feel that you're jealous, acting out or unhappy then you should say something too. Don't put blame on that person, however, just bring up that you are feeling uncomfortable lately and why. Discuss everything you're feeling and together figure out what the next step is going to be.

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All we can do is love until we can't. Again, we all have tolerance levels. Levels at which we know what we can and cannot handle. Love is not easy, it is not rational, it is not perfect. But to feel it, even for a moment, feels amazing. Regardless what it does to us, how it does it to us, who stays, who goes, etc. it was truly worth it to feel the good parts while it was good, or to continue to feel good while it's good. Having the ability to feel that great is worth it.

You're In Charge of YOURSELF!

DON'T GET TRAMPLED ON!!

If you are dating someone who you feel is taking advantage of you, not listening to you, not respecting you or downright mistreating you - you need to stop them. It takes two to tango, if you're constantly giving all yourself to him or her then what are you giving to you? NOTHING! At the end of the day, when you close your eyes, all you have is you, yourself, and you. You shouldn't let other's mistreat you just like you shouldn't be mistreating yourself.

It's difficult when confronted with having to walk away from someone whom you may love and care a lot for, but if they are make you feel sad or confused or anything with a negative connotation then you should really reevaluate what's going on with you two. My first piece of advice would be to write down all of the things that make you feel the way you do. Then I would take a day (at least) to figure out how to say what it is you need to say to your partner to get the results you need. Words do hurt so make sure you're calm while talking with your partner. When you do discuss things, don't say anything you cannot stick by. If you say you need space then take your space, don't just claim space and then going running to him or her. That will only confuse them and inevitably confuse yourself. ALSO - don't say anything that is only to test that person. So if you say you want space but you are really testing him or her to see how long it takes for them to come begging for you, you're playing games and NO ONE likes games.

You can't just walk away from a situation without saying anything. Ignoring them is prolonging the issue. If you're choosing to stay with him or her I would start by saying what the good things are that you have between you and then delve into what you feel you need changed. You don't want to seem as if you are pinning that person to a wall, but more that you care very much for them and want things to work. If they continue to mistreat you, confuse you or not respect you then you should really take time for yourself. I'm not saying to break up with them, but to stop seeing him or her until you feel your head isn't clouded. A lot of times it is harder to see inside the box when you are standing in it; you really need to step back and see what is truly going on. You have to stand up for yourself! Allowing yourself to get stepped on and mishandled is wasting your time and damaging your heart. If you're going to break up with them (or something of that nature) then you need to give clear reasons why and stick to them. If you just want a break, state that; if you want to fully break up, state that. Whatever it is you want you really should make it clear and understandable.

If you are comfortable with the change that happens once you've said what you need to, even if it takes a little time for everything to get fixed (because it is certain that nothing happens over night) then I would stick with him or her until given another reason/drop of tolerance happens.

Everything is a matter of tolerance - don't neglect your gut! If you have to think twice, EVEN IF YOU ONLY HAVE TO THINK TWICE, then something is up. Again, it is very hard to let go of someone for fear of losing them. But what if you are losing yourself? What if after all is said and done, after you've strained yourself to the thinnest, after you've cried every last tear drop your eyes can produce - you still don't have him or her? and now you've given up so much of your time and energy for what? to lose yourself to someone you didnt even end up with?! It's better if you are to step away, collect yourself, and re-enter the relationship with a clear perspective on how to keep YOURSELF happy and keep the relationship happy. Don't let yourself slip into the life of someone else - YOU ARE A SOMEONE TOO!! You should always be in charge of you. You have to communicate what you're feeling to him or her (positive or negative), but you certainly shouldn't be unhappy.

Cloudiness will get you into trouble. Trouble causes heartache. And heartache never feels good. Keep open communication with your partner, especially if you think they are worth it. Only say what you intend on sticking with, the more rules you line up and don't follow the more they will walk all over you. DEMAND RESPECT! For everyone deserves that and should never go a minute, an hour or a day without it!! You need to love yourself first, and everyone else next. That doesn't mean be selfish and treat your partner like crap just because you feel they're treating you that way, but it does mean that you shouldn't stand for any maltreatment!

Love yourself; you're the only person who truly knows how to! <3

The X Factor!

Regardless of where you move, who you know or the places you go - you will ALWAYS have an Ex to deal with. I like to call it: The X Factor!

If you're single and an Ex is floating around is it bad to hook up with them? Absolutely not. I would advise, however, to make sure you both communicate about what each of you are looking for because you do have a history together. It doesn't matter the reasons why you broke up, but you or them will have battle wounds to deal with. You don't want to hurt each other again, or further, so if you aren't planning on discussing things before delving in again - DON'T DO IT! If you are the one being open and he or she isn't then you also need to be cautious about what you're doing. Everyone has feelings, you can't forget that for your own pleasure. You CANNOT be selfish when it comes to an ex; especially if you want them to be your friend. If you still have feelings for that Ex - BE CAREFUL! Sex is more often than not emotional when it comes to an Ex because feelings from the past are bound to come up. You cannot forget what happened in your past no matter how many times you'd like to, and we'd all like to, sometimes. You cannot hold them accountable for not feeling the same way as you may; just as they can't hold you accountable for not feeling the same way they may. KEEP IT CLEAR! Who wants pain? Noone.

Revenge is not a solution either. You cannot, and should not, use an Ex as revenge against anyone else. Even if it is comfortable for the both of you to make someone else jealous or to get revenge on someone it is NOT OKAY! Toying with people's feelings will only hurt you in the long run. Don't add that to your rep -- it doesn't look good.

If you're in a relationship and you are friends with an Ex, specifically an Ex who is around frequently you need to make sure that boundaries are established with both the person you are seeing and the Ex. You do not want things to get hazy and to have your current partner leave you because they are jealous or because it has something/anything to do with your Ex. You also don't want to confuse your Ex. It is perfectly FINE to have an Ex as a friend; they were in your life for a reason and just because things didn't work out between the two of you relationship-wise doesn't mean that they can't be in your life at all. You can be friends with multiple ex's for that matter.

If the person you are dating doesn't approve of you being friends with your Ex, well then you really shouldn't be with them. NEVER let someone dictate your life. I'm not saying as soon as he or she says, "I don't like him or her" that you immediately break it off without a discussion, but certainly if they don't give adequate reasons (and those being reasons you can work through) then I would suggest leaving. If you feel that you partner's reasons are based off of insecurities of any short then address that!! Perhaps your partner isn't saying that they aren't okay with your Ex but is actually saying they need more security or reassurance. THAT IS NORMAL! People deal with insecurities all the time, most of them are subconscious and come from poor past relationships. You can't fault them, but you should correct them.

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If you are the person feeling insecure or not okay with your partner being friends with, hanging out with, or being around an Ex you should say something. Sitting in silence or silently retaliating isn't going to get you anywhere. If you think there is something more going on between them then them just being Ex's and keeping in touch as friends don't just let that go. It won't enhance your relationship, and frankly it will only make matters worse. If you HAVE addressed it and the situation between your partner and their Ex still makes you feel uncomfortable than you can either choose to tolerate and accept what they have or break up with them. You don't want to be left uncomfortable - regardless of how much you care about him or her.

If your insecurities are in fact stemming from a past relationship than you should address that yourself. Keep the conversation open with your partner that you're still working on feeling more secure and you would appreciate him or her keeping in mind that although you love them you can't be fixed over night. This is not an excuse that you can run with though, and it is something that you should try and work on. If you can't fix it in this relationship it won't magically disappear in the next. Don't think, though, that what you're going through is abnormal. When you're in a relationship with someone you are going to be affected by it - it just happens. But you have to remind yourself that the person you are currently seeing IS NOT the person that hurt you and you cannot treat them as if they are. Each person is a new relationship and though they may have similarities, THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

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If you have an Ex that is making you feel uncomfortable than state that also. A lot of people don't know where to draw the line - SO DRAW IT FOR THEM! You should not be made to feel uncomfortable by a past lover. It is wrong of them, yes. But if he or she doesn't stop then you need to stop them. If you are single it may be more difficult, but stand your ground. Say what you mean and mean what you say. You cannot say "leave me alone" one minute and "okay we can talk" the next. It has to be one way or the other; you cannot confuse your Ex. Set your boundaries and STICK TO THEM! There will always be the person who won't ever let you be or the person who comes back around every now and then (when you know damn well all the want is to be with you) and that isn't healthy for either of you. Taking space doesn't mean you two can't be friends later on in life - but currently you're in the present and if the present doesn't allow them to live comfortably in your life as your Ex than you need to take a step back. Time does this wonderful thing of clearing up the past and making it understandable in the future....so let time do it's job. In the meantime YOU need to take control of YOUR life...simply because you're the only one in charge of YOU!

If you still have joint accounts, bills, valuables or what have you - get that squared away. If it becomes too difficult for you to do on your own then find a mediator. That can be a lawyer, family member or trust-worthy friend; you should not have to deal with ANYTHING that you don't want to. There are other people who are willing to help you I'm sure. Money may be an issue with getting a lawyer - but the cost of sanity is priceless! Don't just sit back and allow yourself to be stressed out when there is a solution to your problem!

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Ex's are inevitable. You can either work through it or walk away. If you are open about what you are feeling, however, I can guarantee that you'll be much happier!